Journey Into Surrogacy

Babies Turn One!!!

2012-01-20T06:24:00.005-07:00

Well, I honestly can't believe a year has already passed! The babies just turned one on Wednesday (the 18th) and it's amazing to me how far they've come. I'm very grateful that with them being born early, as of yet they haven't experienced negative outcomes. They are beautiful and Daddies are still super proud.

As for me...well I've been working full time (super hard when you haven't worked in five years!) and I know this isn't my dream job, but I'm trying to stick with it until it ends as it is a temporary position. My husband and I have been trying to get pregnant with one last child of our own for about five months now...with no luck. I've even been to the doctor a couple of times. Well, finally after months of OPK testing and many tests later, I got a positive OPK last Friday (1/13/12). I will probably wait until Feb. 1 to take a pregnancy test. As it turns out, if I am NOT pregnant, we will not attempt anymore. I think that we both feel in our hearts that we will be at peace with moving on with our lives. But, with that being said, I really want to be pregnant again ;). So of course this may mean one last surrogacy journey!!! Stay tuned to see what is in the future, either way I am excited!

Retirement

2011-08-17T08:11:00.002-06:00

I figure I owe it to anyone who may still possibly check this blog occasionally that I am (for now) a retired surrogate. I am not pursuing another journey now and have no plans to in the future. My husband and I are actively trying to have one last child of our own. We haven't had too much luck due to the fact that my cycle still has not resumed with any normalcy. We only plan to try getting pregnant for a few months at which point, if it hasn't happened, we plan to move on. Maybe I'll actually pursue a career, but who knows!? As I've said before, only time will tell what the future holds. As for surrogacy, I'm always happy to talk about it and answer any questions anyone may have. I'm focusing on supporting others rather than being in the action!

Wonderful Trip

2011-07-06T21:44:00.003-06:00

My kids and I just got back late last night from our trip to NY/CT. We had a wonderful time. Being able to see the babies again was great...being able to see their daddies again was even better! The babies are now 5.5 months old and I think that was a great age to interact with and be around them. They are really happy, smiley babies which is just perfect!

We had a lot of fun going to the Central Park Zoo, eating at the restaurant Mars 2112, swimming at their pool in CT, and just hanging out and relaxing. D & W told me that they think they are done having children because they are so happy with the twins. D says that he would be so jealous if I ever did a surrogacy for someone else which leads me to my next thought.

If you haven't already gathered, by reading this blog, I am probably the most indecisive person in the world and so I know in my last post I said I was going to pursue another journey, but now I don't think that's the case anymore. I just don't think I have the energy and patience for another journey right now. Maybe if I didn't have to start from the very beginning, I would, but I am so content with what I have done up until now that I already feel like now would be a good time to quit...while I'm ahead! For some ladies, they just feel the urge to keep going (and some seem to have a hard time stopping altogether), but for me I just don't seem to have as strong a passion as I did in the beginning. There are times though, when I get a pang of jealousy when I hear about others highlights in their journeys. With that said, I am happy where I am right now and we'll see what the future has in store for me. I'm not getting any younger so who knows what will happen!

At Long Last...

2011-06-12T21:12:00.002-06:00

I've finally come to a decision! I (or more like my husband and I) have decided we are done having kids and with that said, I think I may pursue one final surrogacy journey. I've put so much thought into all of this that it isn't even funny, but I'm happy and finally at peace with my decision. I'm not sure where I will go from here. I will talk with the twins daddies to see if they feel their family is complete - if not, I will do a sibling project and if so, then I will figure where to go from there. I'm in no hurry this time...not nearly as obsessed. I only even want to do this to have one last farewell pregnancy journey and of course, to try and help complete another family. I'm not sure if I will use the same agency that I have in the past...depending on who I'm doing it for and insurance issues, I may move on to another agency. We'll see! I don't feel rushed and I will try to take my time to do it right. Hopefully someone will even take me with delivering the twins at 34 weeks!

Return of Cycle...Finally!

2011-06-01T18:33:00.002-06:00

After four long months, my cycle finally decided to resume...while on vacation! At least it was the day before I left to come home and not the day I arrived. Boy did it show up with a vengeance. I don't know if I've ever bled like that in my life! But now it's done and I can rest knowing that I'm somewhat normal again.

Less than a month until we leave for NY. I'm nervous to travel with my two kids alone, but it will be fun and I can't wait to see dads and babies again!

A Visit with the Twins

2011-05-04T19:52:00.002-06:00

The tickets are booked for myself and my kids for a trip out to NY and on to CT. I am really excited. The best part is, D said they would pay for the tickets! I knew they were going to help, but not with all of it. This trip really wouldn't have been affordable for us, but I really wanted to go so I'm glad it worked out. I can't believe I will actually see the babies again and also that my kids will finally be able to meet them. What a treat!

Three Months Postpartum

2011-05-03T10:53:00.003-06:00

I know it has been a long time since my last post, but I feel I really haven't had much to say so I can update everything in one post. I'll start by talking about my body. I am now 3.5 months postpartum and my cycle still has not resumed. I've already gone in to my OB/GYN for an annual checkup and he said at that visit that if my cycle hadn't started within two weeks of said visit, to call and he could put me on progesterone to jumpstart my period. That visit was almost one month ago and I never called him. I'm not sure if I should take even more hormones (after all those taken for so many IVF cycles) or just let my body attempt to resume naturally. I guess my body has just gone through SO much in the past couple of years that it forgot what it's supposed to do! I posted this question for a doctor on a message board, so I will wait to do anything until I hear his reply.

Next, I've been speaking with D about heading out to CT and possibly NY in July, but plans are not finalized yet. I don't think my husband will be able to join me because he's taking a week vacation in May for our Mexico trip. I'm just wondering if I can handle traveling with my two kids all by myself! I'm sure it would be worth it to see D&W and the babies. :)

Lastly, I just want to say that I've stepped back a bit from all things surrogacy because it has just become a bit overwhelming for me. If you look back and read my blog from the beginning, you'll see that before both surrogacy journeys, I stated that I planned to have another child of my own after each. Well it obviously didn't happen after the first and now that I'm done with my second, I have really tried to do some soul searching to figure out whether or not I wanted to go down that road. My husband and I have discussed this topic at length and I still feel no closer to an answer than I was after birth of the twins. The logical part of me knows that I shouldn't go there, to be happy with the two wonderful kids I've already been blessed with, and just move on with my life. My heart tells me otherwise. I've always wanted three kids and I honestly always thought I'd have three. No matter what I tell myself, that desire just WILL NOT go away. Anyway, there's much more to it than this and I'll say that this has been a daily struggle for me for the past two months. I told D&W that I'd do another journey for them if that was what they chose to do, but the longing for another child will not go away. They have not decided yet what they will do, so I still have a little more time to get this figured out.

With that said, at this point, I haven't had that strong desire (like I did after my first journey) to do another journey. Therefore, I've not been as active in the surrogacy community as I was before to try and help with making a decision. If I haven't come to a decision by summer's end then I think it will have been made for me as my kids are getting older, I'm getting older and maybe it will just be time to move on to the next chapter of my life. As I've said before, only time will tell...

Surgery

2011-03-24T18:52:00.003-06:00

So crazy enough, Lily already had surgery today! She is doing good fortunately. I'm guessing that the hernia was bad enough that they had to do the surgery fairly quickly. All I know is that it had something to do with her reproductive system and to prevent damage to her ovaries, the surgery was necessary. I haven't spoken with D to find out any details, all I received were a few texts letting me know what was happening. I'm just thankful she is doing good!

Not Much New!

2011-03-14T20:18:00.004-06:00

Haven't said much lately because I don't have much to say. I'm still hovering about five pounds above my pre-pregnancy weight, but it feels so much more than that to me. This last pregnancy coupled with the c-section has completely redistributed my midsection and not in a good way. I will learn to live with it...after all, I have to as there's not much I can do about it now. I have been eating healthier and I did lose about five pounds. I am also becoming much more active, but it's still not enough...I need to be doing more if I'm going to be able to comfortably fit into my pants again.

I speak with D about once a week which is great. I feel like we are old friends. He called today and told about how today was the last day with their baby nurse who they've had since they've been home. They are happy to see her go. I guess apparently they didn't get along too well. They now have a nanny who is a cute 61-year-old lady who is much more laid back. Babies are over nine pounds now. Lily might possibly have a hernia, but they need to make an appointment with a specialist before they will know any more. They've already asked me if I was interested in doing another journey with them, but they need to think about things before fully deciding that's what they want to do. They found out that their previous egg donor is not willing to donate again period. I'm not sure if they will pursue it if the children can't be biologically connected. Only time will tell and we have plenty of it.

The one thing I will miss about the baby nurse is that she was always taking really fun pictures like this one...

Update

2011-02-20T18:11:00.003-07:00

Just want to pop in and say that things are going great! After recovering from the flu (horrible) and talking with D a couple of times, I have felt really good for about the past week. I really hope things stay this way too! I feel like I am pretty much out of my post-partum blues funk.

Babies are doing good, daddies are still adjusting, baby nurse is still there, W has gone back to work, still only get pics through Facebook (but I am okay with that now), and lastly, I am so thankful I am not a new parent of twins! C-section scar is still itchy...I really hope it isn't like that forever! I never never want to have another c-section as long as I live. I despise surgery!

I can actually look at other surrogates wherever they are in their journeys and feel happy for them rather than envious. I am so happy where I am right now. I am glad I'm not pregnant at the moment. I still have just under 10 lbs to lose and I'm confident I can do it before we go to Mexico in May. I am glad I can indulge in a glass of wine when I feel like it. I love way I can move about and get exercise and bend over and such. I love that I can play with my kids again! I'm only writing this down so I can remember how I really do love not being pregnant (as much as I love being pregnant). So for the time being, I am just going to keep enjoying things the way they are :)......

Two Peas in a Pod

2011-02-14T12:30:00.003-07:00

So sweet...

Happy 2nd Birthday Grant!!

2011-02-13T08:08:00.006-07:00

From this...

to this...

I can't believe how far he's come! What an exciting day :) I got him some Thomas toys for his birthday so I hope he enjoys them.

As for how I'm doing...things are much better and worse at the same time. I'm fighting off the flu. I haven't been this sick in years! I can't wait to get better and feel better as my body hurt likes nothing else.

I spoke with D the other night and sure enough he's got tunnel vision and he's not really thinking about much other than the babies right now. My husband and I received two bottles of red wine from D & W the other day (for Valentine's day) so that was simply wonderful. While they are super busy, they are still thinking about me. They haven't completely forgotten about me, they are just trying to get used to their completely changed, but wonderful new life!

I'm almost four weeks post partum and my hormones are definitely started to settle. Once I kick this flu for good, I will start getting back to walking and exercising a bit and I hope that helps my body to feel a bit better. I did some work in the house the other day (before the flu hit) where I was walking up and down the stairs multiple times and boy my legs were very sore the next day! If I do ever go through another pregnancy, I need to not put so many things on hold...like exercise!

Letting Go

2011-02-08T11:23:00.002-07:00

Letting go is so hard to do. I'm at that point where I just want to put this journey behind me and move forward with my life. My hormones are making that hard to do, but the more I think about things, the more emotional I get. Top that with the fact that I'm not an optimist by nature (unfortunately).

With the way things had gone during the beginning of the journey and throughout the pregnancy, I really expected things to go differently after the birth. When D and I talked about how the birth would go, he always told me how they would fly home immediately after the birth (well, as soon as they were released). That always made me sad - the thought that they were so eager to get out of here. Things obviously turned out differently and they had to stay a little longer than expected. But here we are three weeks out from the birth and I have received no pictures from them (just the ones posted on Facebook - for everybody) and no word on how they're doing! While I know people are always busy taking care of newborns, I thought that having a baby nurse would make it a little easier on them. Perhaps I should quit making assumptions. I just hate the feeling of being treated like a best friend during the pregnancy to feeling like yesterdays news after the birth. Perhaps thats why I was so irritated during half of the pregnancy...maybe it was a way of protecting myself from dissapointment and hurt - by trying to push them away before they could push me away. I don't know. Regardless, the hurt has set in and I want it to go away and to move on with my life now. It all makes me wonder if doing another surrogacy would really be such a good idea...I hate going through this part!

Home At Last

2011-02-06T14:35:00.003-07:00

Babies and daddies have finally made it home. The flight went off without a hitch, babies apparently didn't even make a peep. I wasn't able to say goodbye because they picked up Logan from the hospital and went straight to the airport. Even if they would have had time, I've got a cold so it wouldn't have worked anyway. It just makes me sad because I've now had three surrogate babies...none of which my kids have met. I don't even know if they fully understand what has happened. D said he didn't want a formal goodbye because then he would have gotten sad and cried. Well for me it was the other way around. Because I didn't get to say goodbye - I cried! There's a very real possibility I may never see them again. Oh well, I guess it comes with being a surrogate - you never know what's going to happen! I haven't seen my first surro baby since his birth and at this point I really don't expect to. I'm okay with it though.

In a way I am glad they are gone because it is easier for me to get through my day without thinking about them being here. I'm thinking that day by day the blues are getting less and less (at least I hope!) I'm really looking forward to summer, at which point I think most, if not all, saddness will be gone.

Originally my IF's said they wanted three children. At this point, two might very well be enough. I'd love to do another journey with them. My husband and I are debating whether or no to have another child of our own. This is proving to be the hardest decision I (we) have ever made. Fortunately, we have time to decide, but if we chose against it, there is no turning back. I know that I have at least one more pregnancy left in this body, I just don't know who it will be for!?!?!

37 Weeks

2011-02-02T20:04:00.005-07:00

Tomorrow would have marked 37 weeks gestation...a good time for twins to be born. Well, tomorrow Lily will be released from the hospital to go home! Or at least back to the hotel. Everyone is hopeful that Logan will follow within the next couple of days and by this weekend, it is possible that the new family will be going home for good.

I had my two-week postpartum check at the docs office before that. Did I ever say I LOVE my doc. He is the best! He told me I shouldn't have to have another c-section again. My healing is far beyond what he expected. That's great news.

After my appointment I went over to the hospital and spent the rest of the morning with D and the babies. I got to hold and feed Lily (or Tiger Lily as they call her - she's a fiesty little one). It was a lot of fun. D and I then went to lunch and then back to the hotel. We looked through all the baby gear he had...to make sure he had everything he would need. I think he's all set!

I just want to say that it's been great for me to see how wonderful D & W are as parents. If things hadn't worked out this way in the end, I never would have been able to see just how great they are with the babies. It really makes me happy to have had this little extra time with both parents and babies. It's now time to put this journey to rest and move on to the next phase of my life. I don't know what the future holds - only time will tell!

Sweet Babies

2011-01-30T16:47:00.009-07:00

Today my family (husband, son, daughter, mom and dad) and I had brunch with my IF's. It was wonderful! I went to the hospital and saw the babies for a few minutes and then we went out to eat. Afterwards we drove around downtown Denver and went to a skate park so my son could ride his skateboard for a few minutes. We then dropped them off at their hotel and we took a mini tour before seeing their room (a top floor suite) and hanging out for a few

Still no word as to when L&L will be released from the hospital. This morning I truly realized how much I am going to miss D&W when they go home! I am really hoping we will be able to make a trip out to CT this summer to visit.

Hormones are still wacky. There are times when I just feel like bursting out crying...and I really don't know why, but I also have my elated moments as well.

I have a two week PP checkup on Wed so I will be able to see the babies again and hopefully D and I will hang out for a bit. Here are a couple of pics from today :)

Feelings

2011-01-25T19:52:00.002-07:00

Slowly but surely, I'm beginning to feel my post-partum emotions with guilt being the most prominent. I've read many times about surrogates feeling guilty when their surrobaby(ies) have to spend time in the NICU. Well, now I'm in that boat. I just never thought in a million years that this would happen to me...that I would give birth to premature babies. They were born at 34w5d. I thought they may spend a few days in there, but that's turning out not to be the case. They've been in the NICU and now graduate NICU for one week now. I just found out tonight that they may be in there for another 2-3 weeks! Because I keep hearing how healthy they are, it seems like a long time to have to spend in there.

W had to go home so he could get back to work so D is in the hospital by himself. While he has unlimited help from the doctors and nurses, it's just not the same...and I completely understand. I can't even go to the hospital to help him because I can't drive. I'm not stressing over this, I just wish that there were something I could do to help. I can't imagine being SO far from home for such a long time, all the while worrying about the health of your newborn babies.

I really hope that this is just one last bump in the road. Seriously...what a journey!

The Birth of Lily and Logan

2011-01-21T17:22:00.001-07:00

As I said in my last post, on Tuesday I went in to the doctors for another cervical check. At that point I was dilated to a four, so I had made a little progress over the weekend. The doc said at that point that I wasn't going home and I had to go to the hospital to get monitored. If I was contracting then we would be having the babies that day and if I was not contracting then I would have to have an amnio to check for lung maturity and we would have the babies later that day or early the next. Before I went over to the hospital, I called around to find someone to go pick my kids up from school (thanks mom!) From the moment I woke up that morning until then I hadn't had one contraction. So I head over to the hospital and they get me all hooked up to the monitors and low and behold I start contracting...and won't stop. The last that she checked me I had progressed to a five. Doc said at this point that we were going back for a c-section. The c-section got bumped back to 2pm due to another lady needing a more urgent surgery. If that hadn't happened then D wouldn't have made it when he did.

This all happened so quickly that no one was even there with me. I texted my surro-friend Lisa because I knew she had twins right around the same time. She offered to come down and she was the one who was in the OR with me. She helped out more than she even knows!

While all of this was happening, D was still in Aspen, and wasn't scheduled to get back to Denver until about 3pm. Fortunately, he was able to get an earlier flight and thus he only missed the birth by a few min. W was still in New York and despite an ice storm and many cancelled flights, he made it to the hospital by about 8:30 that night.

We went back to the OR and I had a spinal. My BP dropped and I got kind of panicky, but then I was given something and felt kind of drugged. The c-section went very smoothly and at 2:37 Logan was born weighing 5lbs 4oz. Lily was born one minute later at 2:38 weighing 4lbs 12oz. Lisa took all pics so the guys would have something to see from the birth. I went into recovery and then D arrived to be with his babies!

Things have gone well from there on out. Recovery has been a bit difficult, but is going smoothly.The worst part (besides the pain) of having the c-section, was the horrible itching afterwards from the morphine in the spinal. I must have itched for nearly 48 hours. I wasn't able to hold the babies until Thursday, but it was great to be able to. The babies went into the NICU and are now in the graduate NICU. We are not sure when they will be released to go home, but they are healthy and that's what matters the most! Daddies are thrilled and loving every minute. They gave me a pair of beautiful diamond earrings...D said one for each baby!
My milk has started coming in today, I have used an ace bandage to wrap myself so I am a bit uncomfortable, but nothing I can't handle. I've been on pain meds since the beginning so I am doing okay. I will be released tomorrow and I am looking forward to going home - back to the real world again.

Babies are here!

2011-01-19T13:33:00.000-07:00

I will post all about it when I feel a little better.

34 Weeks

2011-01-14T14:45:00.001-07:00

We had our appointment yesterday along with another NST. Babies are doing great still. Baby A is head almost down, but not quite (if that makes any sense). Doc decided to check my cervix and I am dilated to a three so he wants me back on Tuesday morning to see if anything has changed. If any "progress" has been made, then I will be going in on Wednesday for a c-section. I have only had three contractions (that I've noticed) since Friday, so I don't think anything will happen next week. I'm pretty sure my body will wait another couple of weeks. Fortunately, D is headed up to Aspen for some skiing until Thursday so he won't be too far away...just in case!

I can't believe how close things are getting. I'm starting to lose my ankles and I've had to take off my wedding ring (well, I didn't have to, but it was a bit more comfortable). I'm sure it will all be worth it once these babies are here...it will be so exciting to see them. Oh and by the way, their names will be Lily and Logan :)

Trying So Hard

2011-01-11T09:50:00.002-07:00

I am trying so hard to not complain. I'm also trying so hard to keep it together. I'm sick now, with a cold and cough. Not sleeping well anymore. I have NO energy - sometimes just standing makes me winded and my heart pound. The thought of holding on for another 3-4 weeks is almost more than I can bear. I am fully ready to be done. I just don't know how so many people do this all the time. I know it's mostly mental, but I guess I don't feel very strong mentally right now...

33 Weeks, NST today

2011-01-06T12:42:00.003-07:00

I had my first NST today and I don't have much to say, but babies both look great, plenty of fluid, and I'm really not contracting. D is coming out next week for our appointment on the 14th at which point I will have another growth U/S and I believe another NST. I guess it's good that things are boring for the time being!

Oh Man...

2011-01-03T20:13:00.004-07:00

I seriously feel like I'm going to explode. I really don't feel like I can make it another five weeks. And yet I have had NO signs of impending labor. AAAAGGGGHHHHH!!!
Also, have I said how uncomfortable I am?

32 Week Belly

2010-12-29T18:50:00.002-07:00

32 Weeks (Tomorrow)

2010-12-29T14:11:00.002-07:00

Had my appt. today and there's not much to report. Baby A is transverse - so he moved a little! His head is pointing toward my right hipbone. I found out that my doctor will not schedule a c-section unless I'm around 39 weeks. That makes me happy...knowing that I can go into labor on my own and we'll see how I will deliver from there. Babies are just under 4.5 lbs each - making this the most baby weight I've carried to date. Starting next week I will go in for a weekly non-stress test. I can't believe I'm on the down slope of this pregnancy!

I can feel and see a little swelling starting up and I think I've found one new stretch mark on the underside of my belly (kinda hard to see down there). I'm feeling pretty uncomfortable most days although not all the time. I may have said this before, but although I know I will once again miss being pregnant, I am really starting to look forward to having my body back to myself. I'm starting to daydream daily about the things I will be able and want to do again. I will try to post a pic later...I am still amazed at how big my belly keeps getting!

Still Breech

2010-12-17T16:55:00.002-07:00

So baby A is still breech. Both babies are still in the exact position they were two weeks ago. This makes it the last four appointments (I think). So, it just doesn't look like baby A wants to turn around. I know it can still happen, but.... To be honest with you, I'm just as scared of a vaginal delivery as I am of a c-section so whatever happens, happens. I just need to do some research on c-section scars.

On a side note, a girl in my months SMO group gave birth to her surrogate twins last Saturday putting them at 28w5d - that's scary. Fortunately, both babies and surrogate are doing well now.

30 Weeks

2010-12-16T20:20:00.010-07:00

I am so full...of babies (he he). I actually felt pretty good today - no lack of energy and no pains! I have my appt. tomorrow so I will have to update if there any significant changes or anything new to report. I feel like I'm full term now. It feels funny to sit down and have my belly sit on my legs!

I can't believe Christmas is so close! Once the holidays are over, it won't be long before this surrogacy journey will be over. I'm still unsure as to what the future holds for me after this birth. My family and I are going to Mexico in May so I will be prepping for that. I'd like to get into shape and climb at least two fourteeners this summer. I don't feel like this is my last pregnancy, but I'm not sure. I guess only time will tell and I won't be making any decisions until my hormones are leveled out. Here's my 30 week pic! I think my first bare belly...

Oh yeah, many of my favorite maternity clothes aren't fitting as well as they used to!

28 Weeks

2010-12-03T20:18:00.002-07:00

Not much new to update except that baby A is still transverse...making that the third appointment in a row. Tonight I had a feeling in my lower abdomen (not really a contraction) that reminded me of going into labor and when that happens my body tenses up and I start shaking. I just get so terrified of that intense pain. Fortunately my labors are fast, but I'm not one of those lucky women who seem to just breeze through labor. I usually say some things I probably shouldn't and tend to panic in the end so I question myself every time as to why I did this to myself again. The only reason I'm saying this is because I don't think I can do this birth with nothing to help me...meaning some form of drug. I'm aware that if I have to have a c-section the decision will be made for me so I'm not putting too much thought into it, but nevertheless, I am nervous!

27 Weeks

2010-11-26T18:56:00.004-07:00

I seriously can't believe I'm only 27 weeks pregnant! At this exact moment, I feel like I could simply explode. I don't know why I was ever excited to carry twins. A lot of the time it sounds better to do something than to actually do it. I now know without a doubt that I will get stretch marks and I'm still terrified by that thought. My belly feels so huge right now that I just can't imagine it getting any bigger. The babies are getting big enough now that they are starting to kick (or punch - whatever) me in places that are very uncomfortable...such as my bladder! That's not fun, especially when you already have to pee.

I'm still sleeping okay, but I have a feeling it won't be too much longer. I really hope the next several weeks go by very quickly. I'm already looking forward to losing weight and attempting to tone before our Mexico vacation in May! Here's belly pic at 27 weeks...

26 Weeks

2010-11-18T13:52:00.004-07:00

So I had my OB appt. today and it was a very quick one. He measured the fluid which looks good (and by the way, I have had an U/S every single appt. so far). Baby A went from transverse to butt first so it seems he's having a hard time trying to turn around. Doc seems to think that he may stay this way (will have to try some of Mrs. Knight's turning tips!) I've come to terms with the fact that I really might face a c-section this pregnancy and I'm okay now. I'm coming close to the end of my pregnancy run so I think I'll manage.

I have my next appt. in two weeks when he will measure the growth again. Doc seems to think I will deliver around 35 to 36 weeks, but I am pretty confident, they will come closer to 38. I have to say 36 does sound nice though :) Here's today's pic. I know I may not look that big, but it sure feels like it!

I've pulled a muscle in my right rib area, but other than that, I'm doing pretty well so far. Not too many physical complaints!

24 Weeks

2010-11-04T20:38:00.003-06:00

Had an OB appt. today with yet another U/S. Babies are doing good, both weighing around 1.5 lbs each. The are both transverse right now...the same way which is why I've only been feeling movement on the right side. I've gained 18 lbs so far which I feel is a lot (if only I could stop eating so much sugar!) Had my GTT today so hopefully I won't hear anything from the doctor's office as I don't want to have to do a 3 hour GTT. Had a cervical check today and my cervix is measuring that of a non-pregnant woman - 4cm! Definitely no signs of PTL here. I now start going to appointments every two weeks.

Had a good time with D today. He will probably be back in about a month for another appointment. He was very thrilled to be able to feel the babies moving today!

Relief

2010-11-03T21:05:00.002-06:00

I spoke with the psychologist today and she assured me that my feelings are completely normal and it is quite possible that venting will help my frustrations a lot. She just reminded me to keep in mind what I am doing and what the end goal is...and how without me it wouldn't be possible for these two to be created and in the end with the ones that will love them so much.

It just felt good to know that I'm not the only surrogate with these feelings. The feelings I am talking about include: frustration, irritation, resentment, unhappiness, slight depression - I think that about sums it up. I just have to remember that I won't be pregnant forever. There is an end in sight and it will be a wonderful one!

A Wish

2010-11-02T20:17:00.001-06:00

I really wish I could have the optimism and outlook on life that so many others have. I feel like I have so much negativity inside me right now...that can't be healthy - for anyone!

22w 4d

2010-10-25T16:53:00.004-06:00

Probably the last time I will be wearing this shirt! It's starting to get too small!

New and Improved Attitude

2010-10-15T16:19:00.005-06:00

Just want to give a congrats to my surro friend Kelly who recently birthed her second set of twins - WOW! Way to go.

On another note...since my attitude has improved lately, I've decided to start enjoying this pregnancy as much as possible because I feel confident that it will be my last surrogacy journey. I'm feeling the babies move more often now and that is fun. I'm feeling pretty good and hoping it stays that way! These beautiful fall days we're having help a lot :)

I'm still trying to sort out all of the negative feelings I was having, but I think I've gotten to the core of it which has made it easier to move above and beyond to more positive feelings.

Getting Tired...

2010-10-13T20:26:00.004-06:00

Wow, have I been getting tired lately. By late afternoon I have been feeling pretty exhausted this past week. I've decided to do a booth at the Holiday fair at my son's school so I've been crafting like crazy as I only have a month from today to get a ton of items made. So much is going on at both kids' schools like fundraisers, parent-teacher conferences and days off that I'm starting to forget the small things like sending my son's snack to school every day. So not only am I physically exhausted from all the running around, cleaning and making things, but I'm also mentally exhausted by trying to remember everything!

I'm 21 weeks tomorrow and I'm telling you it won't be long before I start counting down the days until these babies are born. I'm still in disbelief at how much bigger this belly is going to get. I've been having more and more difficulty eating because I just feel like I can't fit anything in there. Today I told my husband before lunch that I was really hungry, but I was full. My belly is just getting so big and uncomfortable that I feel full a lot of the time. At least I'm still sleeping well for the most part so I can't complain too much. I just wish I had more time to sleep!

Good Day!

2010-10-08T13:40:00.002-06:00

We had the U/S this morning and it went perfectly. We waited in the waiting room for about 4 minutes before the doctor personally came and brought us back to the room. U/S took maybe 25 min. at most. Babies are measuring perfectly for their gestation and they are still one boy and one girl. Then the doc took us on a personal hospital tour...we will be delivering in the OR for sure. He said even if we have a c-section, everyone will be allowed back - wow! Did I ever say I love this doc?!?! We all went over to a mall for some shopping and lunch and now IF's are on their way home. We all had a great time. Next appointment is at 24 weeks when I will have my GTT and then I will start going every 2 weeks after that! Exciting times :) (Can you tell I'm having a good day today?)

Big Day

2010-10-06T21:06:00.002-06:00

Friday is my next appointment and we have scheduled the anatomy scan. Pretty sure they are boy and girl so it won't be too exciting. Getting a bit anxious as it will be the first appointment I will have attended with my IF's...I just don't know what to expect. I'm sure it will be fine, but I can't wait until Saturday, when it's all over. For some reason I've been so irritated today I just feel like I could cry :( I really hope this feeling will eventually go away - I can't stand it anymore!

18 Weeks

2010-09-23T13:06:00.005-06:00

So here's me at 18 weeks.

Sometimes it's just best to leave the head out of the picture! At this point, I can't believe I'm only 18 weeks. I've seen other belly pics of those pregnant with twins and I have to say that I'm terrified. Not only are most bellies enormous, but I fear more and more every day that I'm not going to get out of this without stretch marks. I already can't eat much at any given time, which is hard for me because I hate leftovers, so if I make a good meal...I want to EAT it! None of this has stopped my weight though - I've already gained about 10 lbs. (yet another thing that scares me!)

I just have to say that this journey has really been nothing like the last one. I felt good last time and I really enjoyed the experience which was why I wanted to do it again. This time around, I can't put my finger on it, I just have not enjoyed much (if any) of this pregnancy. So far, my hormones have had a negative effect on my attitude and I've been a little depressed although I can't figure out why...it's just there! I think about last time and how I enjoyed the process as much as I could, but this time all I can think about is how I can't wait to not be pregnant anymore. I have to say it's frustrating, but there's not much I can do about it. I don't know if I ever want to be pregnant again. Oh well, I just try to deal with it the best I can...I know it won't be this way forever. I hope I never get the itch to get pregnant and do another journey because I don't think my husband will be on board. My IF's said they always wanted three children (they want at least one kid from the other father), but every time he tells me he says it would have to be right away because they're not getting any younger! Well 1. neither am I! but 2. I sure as hell don't want to get pregnant right away again! I want at least a year after having twins...you know???

Anyway enough of that. Two more weeks until the big U/S.

Doctor's Predictions

2010-09-13T09:02:00.001-06:00

Are one boy and one girl. We should know for sure on Oct. 8th when we have the anatomy scan.

Doing Good!

2010-09-07T20:40:00.005-06:00

Can you believe it? I'm doing pretty darn good lately. Finally starting to look a little pregnant and the sickness is mostly gone (YAY!). Still don't have much to update, but the appointment is Friday so we are all looking forward to that. I will be going it alone (well, with my daughter) so no IF's this time, but that's okay. Here's a pic at 14 weeks...I'm almost 16 now.

Second Trimester

2010-08-26T13:20:00.002-06:00

Well, I made it, although I still have a long way to go. While I don't want to complain, not much about this pregnancy has been very good (at least so far). I just got over another stomach virus...I don't know what the heck, but I'm starting to wonder if being pregnant makes you super susceptible to all illnesses (or in my case the darn stomach bug). I'm fourteen weeks today and my heartburn is already incredible. I can't even imagine what it will be like toward the end. I'm now at that stage that I just look fat. Not many people know about this surrogacy and I'm going to have a lot of explaining to do after telling so many that I can't imagine having another kid and *bam* just like that I'm pregnant with twins!!! If I eat big meals, I feel so sick. Yet, it can be hard for me to make a good meal and only eat the portion size I feed my kids. Morning sickness is better, but not gone altogether. I still can't wait for the fall as I have never despised the heat and sun so much in my life.

My next appointment isn't for two weeks so not a whole lot of action going on. IF's are on vacation in California and when they get back to their house in Connecticut, they are going to get married there - this time having friends and family join them. Nevertheless, I'm not thinking it's likely that either will make it to this next appointment. They can't miss the next one though...it will be the anatomy scan, so the most exciting appointment of the pregnancy!

Great OB

2010-08-13T12:03:00.002-06:00

I am thrilled about the new OB I saw today. He was recommended by 3 people and I was not disappointed at all. He was friendly...more like a friend than a doctor and he told me everything I wanted to hear - like as long as baby A cooperates, regardless of baby B, I can have a vaginal birth. That's fantastic news. Now so long as that baby cooperates!

IF's (at least one) will probably come out for the next appointment which will be a month from now. It looks like I'll be getting a lot of U/S's and I just pray everything goes smoothly.

I'm still feeling nauseous here and there and when I get exhausted, I get exhausted. But I feel fantastic today and hope it starts getting better every day. My hormones have calmed tremendously, although I still have my moments. To be honest, I haven't been thinking too much about this pregnancy because I'm too busy with back to school stuff and getting used to new schedules, and planning my son's birthday party, and praying for one more camping trip before this summer ends. Hopefully this will make the pregnancy go by much faster as well!

Feelings

2010-08-08T08:24:00.002-06:00

Well, I still can't say much for my digestive system...something is seriously infecting it and just when I think I may have gotten rid of it, it hits me again and again. I was very sick last night, but I feel great this morning. I really think my mood will improve greatly once the morning sickness subsides for good.

I spoke with my IF this morning and he decided not to come to the first OB appointment which actually made me really happy. I just have so many things I need to speak with the OB about that I'd rather do in private, that this is the most comfortable route for me - I think he understands that now. We will speak again later, I hope that I didn't accidentally hurt his feelings or make him feel like he was unwelcome to come to the appointment, but we'll get it sorted out. I'm hoping to find out from the doctor what would be some key appointments that might be a bit more exciting for him/them to come to. If anyone has any suggestions, please feel free to leave a comment.

I think my IF has resigned to the fact that he can't/doesn't have control over everything that happens from here on out. I just hope he trusts me enough to make that okay because we still have a long way to go!

Today, I feel better about everything and I hope that is just a sign of things to come. Also, I'm glad summer is almost over as I think the transition into fall will also make things a bit easier!

Update

2010-08-02T19:23:00.002-06:00

Had final U/S today and all is good. Babies are measuring 4.0cm and 4.4cm. I have to say it was fun seeing the babies moving around in there. I'm still feeling sick at times, not all the time, but I sure can't wait for this part to be over. I made my first OB appt. today with a new doc that I was given 3 separate recommendations for (2 from surrogates), so I hope he's as great as they say. I stopped meds on Saturday and no migraines yet so that is a plus!

I've been really struggling with my emotions lately and I'm still praying that is has a lot to do with hormones which I hope will start leveling out. Without saying everything that I've been feeling, which I really don't think would be appropriate, I do want to say that I've been having mixed feelings about this journey. I've been questioning whether I'm making the right decision or not. I've been feeling a bit resentful of how ill I've been feeling and how it's affected my children and husband. I never felt this way for my last journey and I know it all seems a little late to be feeling this way now.

I'm feeling apprehensive as to what the future holds and I really hope this journey will have a good ending. I really hope that there will be no power struggles as this experience unfolds. Right now all I can do is hope for the best.

Nothing

2010-07-30T12:21:00.001-06:00

As the saying goes, "If you have nothing nice to say, then don't say anything at all." Need I say more?

Oh So Sick

2010-07-24T07:44:00.002-06:00

And I'm not just talking morning sickness. I've got some stomach bug that I feel is slowly killing me. I am in so much pain and I'm so afraid to put any food into my mouth. I'd give anything to take some pepto right now. I'm not in a very happy place!

Down

2010-07-16T20:11:00.003-06:00

Besides not having much to say, I'm just not as happy as I feel I should be...thus I haven't been posting much. I'm really hoping it's just my hormones and it will pass. I thought I would feel so ecstatic about being pregnant with twins, but I'm just not. I'm only posting this so I can look back and remember how I felt at this point in time. Right now, I feel like this will be my last surrogacy journey. I just don't think I have the passion to pursue this anymore. I question myself every day if I'm even doing the right thing now. A little late to have these feelings now, I know. With my son, I had severe depression at a point in the pregnancy - I'm assuming due to hormones. I hope I am just having a little "down" time and it will pass soon.

IF's come out on Sunday upon which we will go out to dinner. Monday we have another U/S. Then comes the fun of having to look for an OB which, if you can't tell, I'm not looking forward to. Oh boy!

It's About Time

2010-07-06T14:08:00.002-06:00

I think we finally did it...we finally have something growing in there! Can you believe it? I still can't. There are two little babies in there, each with a perfect little heartbeat! I was in a panic this morning thinking for sure there were three, but nope, just two. :) D&W will be out for the next U/S at which point they will be able to see with their own eyes their little babies they've waited so long for. We are all pretty thrilled!

Hormones

2010-07-02T19:18:00.002-06:00

Man, hormones really rule my life! I've been so angry lately...at least I know to chalk it up to all the hormones running rampant in my system. I just can't believe I feel like this already. At least I know what it is and not that I'm totally crazy. During my first pregnancy (with my son) I became so depressed that I felt I was having a real problem. Only after the fact did I realize that it was just my hormones. Uuuugghhh!!

I've also started feeling very nauseous already - starving one second (which makes me feel really ill) and then I eat and I'm totally full the next (which also makes me feel ill if I take even one too many bites). Yeah I'm complaining...this is the first trimester for me and I question my motives every time I go through this. I just keep telling myself "only seven more weeks". I know I can do it! I'm also already counting down the days until I stop my progesterone shots, 15 and counting!

I'm Still Alive

2010-06-29T13:14:00.001-06:00

And so far so good! Still waiting for the U/S and then I'll have more to update. Just another week to go. Slowly but surely starting to feel pregnant. :)

I Think it Worked!

2010-06-18T11:08:00.003-06:00

My beta number really threw me for a loop. I've just got to remember that we did a 6dt. My beta was 625. The guys are feeling really good and I'm glad it worked, but now I'm a bit nervous...just please don't let it be 3 again!

Progress

2010-06-16T20:48:00.008-06:00

Since I'm feeling pretty good about things, I decided to go ahead and post. We had our transfer on Tuesday June 8th. I arrived in LA on Sunday afternoon as our transfer was scheduled for Monday the 7th...what do ya know? It got pushed to Tuesday. I know the Dr. wanted to grow the embryos out one more day, but I'm still not 100% sure why. We transferred 3 embryos, 2 perfect and one straggler. Went back to hotel and you can guess the rest. The highlight of the trip was getting to see Morgan Freeman hanging out at our hotel and the saddest part was the fact that, due to bedrest, I missed seeing Johnny Depp hanging out by the pool! Oh well.

The good news now is that my tests have been beautiful, positive that is. Here's a pic of the progression.

Blood test is scheduled for Friday. So far, we've jumped the first hurdle. We still have more to go. Friday will be the second and the U/S date will be the third. If we can just make it to the U/S without miscarrying this time, we will all be thrilled!

Waiting...

2010-06-14T08:13:00.002-06:00

I promise I will post soon...I just need a few more days.

Surprise Surprise

2010-06-03T14:52:00.002-06:00

We're in the exact same boat as last time. We got 10 eggs, only 7 were good quality, only 5 fertilized. Last time we had 4 eggs the day of transfer, we transferred 2 and we were going to freeze the remaining 2. The doctor was going to grow them out one more day and they died.

Who knows what this time will bring. Honestly, we're just praying for one healthy embryo to transfer.

Pre-Transfer Present

2010-06-02T15:48:00.003-06:00

My generous IF's sent a bottle of red wine to me today. How sweet! They want me and my husband to enjoy it before we embark on our next adventure together.

As a side note...from 30 follicles, only 10 eggs were retrieved so we're hoping for some good news tomorrow!

Another Blog Change

2010-06-02T15:05:00.001-06:00

I needed another change...I really like this one. It's fun to change!

Soon

2010-06-01T21:20:00.002-06:00

Transfer is coming up really soon. I just read back over the last year and really think that for the most part, I was pretty happy and optimistic. It makes me sad to see how I really haven't been posting many details or simply blogging lately. I guess I'm just tired of getting hopes up just to be let down. Maybe if no one knows what's going on then no one has to say sorry...next time!

Without saying too much, I do know that donor has 30 follicles which may or may not be a good thing. You'd think, oh, that will be a lot of eggs...but the quality might not be there. IF's have friends that had an ED in the recent past that had 30 follicles and they only got one egg that didn't make it. So you just never know!

I am getting excited once again and I do feel good about this transfer so we will just see what happens. I really truly feel like my IF's deserve this and it is their time.

Time's a Flyin'....

2010-05-19T14:07:00.003-06:00

Just thought I'd pop in and say I start meds tonight. Time is going to really fly now because I have so much to keep me busy. I don't have much time to think about anything right now! And I'm happy to say that I will get at least one camping trip in before the transfer...Yay!!

We Have Another Date

2010-04-26T19:13:00.002-06:00

Hopefully this is the one that sticks (date and embryos). Three days before my daughters birthday (Yikes!) Not feeling excited yet, still down in the dumps somewhat. Hopefully time will go by pretty fast, I'm sure it will thanks to having so much to do in the next few months. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that since third time wasn't a charm, fourth will be!!

So Much for That!!!

2010-04-21T15:05:00.002-06:00

Scrap that calendar! AFTER the calendar was made, the egg donor decided she doesn't want to be on meds for finals and she can't give herself shots by herself while on vacation. So now everything is going to be pushed back into a different month.

All I can say is I really hope this next transfer is a successful one because if it's not, I may just be calling it quits. I can't take this stress anymore. I even had to put on waterproof mascara this morning because I knew I would be crying about this fu*@ed up situation today.

You know what? I just have to keep reminding myself that it could be so much worse. I just got off the phone with a friend whose husband had an affair. I feel for her and just want to be able to take the pain away, but I know I can't. So I need to stop complaining and pick myself up and move on (although it's still hard).

Finally

2010-04-17T13:00:00.001-06:00

Well, I finally got a calendar...it's about time!

So Irritated

2010-03-26T17:06:00.002-06:00

The doctor called me today and said that the egg donor is ready to go! That got me so excited. Then I spoke to D and he said that he was told the retrieval was going to be the 3rd week of May. Therefore, putting the transfer in the 4th week. That's 2 whole months away! I am so irritated with this whole process. We had our first transfer in July and now getting closer to a year and a handful of transfers later, we have nothing to show for it. IF I do actually get pregnant this time, then I will be pregnant the exact same time as I was with Grant (we transferred May 25). I really hope that the transfer time is the only thing that will be similar...I say that because I know we will be transferring 3 embryos this time so I really don't want a repeat reduction.

I'm just so mad (one of my favorite Mercer Mayer books).

Just Have to Update

2010-03-11T18:50:00.003-07:00

I don't have any good news to post, but I just have to write about what I found out today. D called just a bit ago and asked if I was sitting down. He told me that their egg donor has chlamydia and hepatitis B. WOW! and DAMN! The news is (yeah, there's actually good news about this situation) that another donor was dropped by her IP's (still not sure why) and she was just getting ready to cycle. We may be able to pick up our cycle pretty much where we left off...just with another donor. I should know more in the next few days.

One of these days...if I'm up to it, I will try to post about how emotional this second journey has been for me. Maybe if I write it down, I will be able to move past it all because it's still eating me up inside.

Out of Commission Awhile

2010-02-25T13:46:00.004-07:00

Sorry to say that this blog will most likely be out of commission awhile unless and until I have some good news to post. Bear with me as it can't be forever...

Journal Entry

2010-02-17T13:24:00.000-07:00

AF started yesterday (2/16)...start pills tonight.

One Year Today

2010-02-13T11:36:00.001-07:00

Just want to wish little Grant a wonderful happy birthday. I am so proud and thankful to have been a part of your life! Thank you.

Thinking Ahead

2010-02-12T14:56:00.003-07:00

That glass of wine that I attempted to enjoy the other night turned out to be not so enjoyable. Around 1am that morning, I got so sick that even to relive that now make me feel nauseous. I had the worst stomach virus I've ever experienced. I'm still recovering today. No more red wine for me for awhile thanks!

I spoke with D this morning and he said they were having a conference call with a new potential egg donor...right about now. I really can't believe how fast they may have found someone. That's great...I guess.

Having been stuck in bed for the last two days, it gave me a lot of time to think. I'm thinking now that this last failure has really been harder on me than I thought it was. I'm kind of feeling a little depressed and I know it has a little to do with the fact that I was really sick, but I'm also thinking that maybe this surrogacy attempt just isn't meant to be...with me anyway. Three failed attempts with two different egg donors. The only constant now is me and the guys' sperm. Yeah, I'm proven, but that doesn't mean anything really. It comes down to this. If this next attempt doesn't work, I'm thinking it may be time to recommend a new surrogate because I too, want them to have a baby, but I'm not producing that. I've tried everything in my power...luck charms, praying, crossing fingers, positive thinking. None of it has worked. This next time I will go in with nothing but hope and if it doesn't work, then maybe it just wasn't meant to be. I don't know what else to say. I haven't lost hope.

Official Negative

2010-02-09T13:15:00.002-07:00

Got the "official negative" today. At least we weren't shocked...we knew what to expect. Doc said he believes it to be a true run of "bad luck". He has now become dedicated to ensure my IF's have a baby (not that he wasn't before). So therefore, we will be moving on, it's just a matter of time and taking the necessary steps to *hopefully* have a successful pregnancy next time. IF's will have to find a new egg donor (a very young one) and then we'll try again.

Stopping meds tonight and having a glass of red wine!

Reference

2010-02-07T14:14:00.004-07:00

The only reason I'm even posting right now is for reference just in case there is a next time. I shouldn't have, but I began testing 4.5dpt and every single test up through today has been negative. I am 8dpt today and finally told D this morning (he thought I hadn't tested until this morning). I haven't talked with him much so I really don't know his thoughts. I know that he almost kind of expected the bad news, but I know underneath it he was truly crushed.

I go in for beta on Tuesday at which point (I can't wait) I will stop meds (it just kills me to be doing them for no reason...but alas, I will continue to take them). I don't know where we will go from here. Our last 2 embryos didn't make it to freezing so there was a whopping $30,000 for nothing. I really hope that my IF's want to move on...WITH me. This whole experience has been so disheartening. I don't know what else to say. If we do this again, they will have to find another egg donor (third) and start this whole process from the beginning. I'm pretty certain they'll move on because they paid for the 3 transfer package (ideally in hopes for siblings), but we've already used 1 with no success so there are only 2 left.

Uuuugggghhh. Why?? And please don't say because they just aren't destined to have children!

Home Sweet Home

2010-02-01T11:48:00.002-07:00

Not there yet, but heading back today. It's been a wonderful trip, but looking forward to being at home again.

We transferred 2 fresh embryos Saturday morning. Everything went better than expected and so here we are (for the third time) in the 2 week wait. This time there will be no stressing, no obsessing, just taking it as it comes. I still feel very good about everything and will continue to do so. Whatever happens, happens.

Well, we are off to go do some shopping before heading to the airport. Will keep you updated!

Morning of Transfer

2010-01-30T08:10:00.002-07:00

I'm sitting here at the desk in my hotel room on the morning of the transfer. It's so beautiful outside. I have a panoramic view of the Hollywood hills. The sun is rising, the sky is blue, wispy clouds in the air...it's going to be a great day to get pregnant!

Injection Fiasco

2010-01-28T07:52:00.002-07:00

I don't know why I have to have so many issues with injections, but I do. Two nights ago, I gave myself my progesterone injection. Almost immediately it was terribly itchy (still is today in fact). I hope I'm not having a reaction again. Last night, because my husband was home, I decided to have him give me my shots (both Delestrogen and Progesterone). I got them all set up handed them over. For some reason, I just decided to watch him for the second shot, just to make sure he was doing it right I suppose (after all this time and I still don't trust him!?!?!?!) Well, he get's ready to take the plunge and all of a sudden he pulls way back on the plunger. He pulled at least 2 cc's of air into the syringe. WTF!!! Thank GOD I was paying attention. I said to him, "Have you been doing that with all my shots? Why did you do that? You would have just killed me if we were doing IV injections". A little later he said, "I thought you said to pull back on the plunger a little." "Yeah, after you inject it!!! To make sure your not in a vein and there's no blood."

Nevertheless, I think I will be doing my own injections from now on.

Leaving tomorrow morning to go to LA, transfer will be sometime on Saturday....can't wait. :)

Five

2010-01-26T19:55:00.002-07:00

Five embryos...that's what we have to work with. We are really hoping they all make it to Saturday at which point we would transfer 2 (possibly 3) and freeze the others. We aren't going to feel safe until the transfer is over and then it's a whole different set of worries.

I still can't believe how naive I was going into my first surrogacy. I've learned just about everything there is to know about IVF and surrogacy now and I've experienced more than most, so I'm ready to move on to success.

We've Got Eggs

2010-01-25T10:23:00.003-07:00

They were able to get 10 eggs, but we only have 7 that are good quality. We will find out the fertilization report tomorrow. We know that they may not all fertilize and grow, but we are hoping for a good number (fingers crossed). It's starting to feel real and we are all getting excited about this transfer!

I may be meeting a couple of SMO gals out in CA if we can coordinate our schedules. It's always fun to meet other surrogates. :)

We Got our Date!

2010-01-22T12:08:00.003-07:00

I found out today that we will be transferring on the 30th...so one week from tomorrow (YAY!). Today has been horrible. Because my estrogen was low and I had to up my dose, I had a terrible migraine this morning. It's better now, but it was one of those that made me nauseous. Now I remember just how powerful hormones are and how they can really affect so much more than we think.

Egg donor will have retrieval on Monday so we still have one hurdle left. We have to see how many eggs we will get and then how many fertilize. My IF told me yesterday that if we get 3 embryos or less, then the transfer will be moved up to 3 days. If we get more than 3, then we will keep the transfer next Saturday. At this point, I don't care (that's how I get when I feel crappy). Not looking forward to morning sickness, but so looking forward to being pregnant!

Low Estrogen

2010-01-21T17:13:00.002-07:00

Just found out my estrogen is low...150, so I need to up my Delestrogen. Won't know transfer date until tomorrow.

Lining Check - Check

2010-01-21T13:02:00.004-07:00

Lining check is done so I can cross that off my list of things to worry about. Lining looked great at 12 (ETA: make that 13 :) ), so at this point I'm not concerned about my estradiol level...it's doing it's job. Still waiting to hear about date of retrieval and thus, date of transfer. With a frozen transfer, I would be starting progesterone injections tonight, but only because the transfer would be in 5 days. I'm thinking that we still have 9 days until transfer so I'm guessing I will begin prog injections in a couple of days. I miss frozen embryo transfers!! They're so much easier. Nobody can schedule flight information until we have a date. This means I can't get prepared until I know when I will be gone. Frustrating.

While I was looking through some older paperwork I found the wonderful sheet they give you labeled "Positive Pregnancy Instructions". It made me just a little sad to see that if the first transfer had been successful, my due date would have been 3/26/10. I'd be having a baby in a little less than 2 months. I know that it just wasn't meant to be though.

I still feel very good about this upcoming transfer. At this point, all variables are favorable. The last thing we are waiting on is to see how many eggs are retrieved and then fertilized and grow. If that turns out good then our chances for a pregnancy should be really high this time.

Will update when I know more!

Getting Close

2010-01-17T20:11:00.002-07:00

This upcoming Thursday, I have an appointment for my lining check U/S at 9:30am. We should know the date of the transfer by then (or by Friday at the latest). I'm starting to get really excited for the transfer! Still feeling good and thinking positively. I'm glad we're not there right now during Golden Globe time, although that would be cool to get a glimpse of some famous faces. We're not staying at the Beverly Hilton anyway. I'm pretty sure we'll be staying at the Sunset Tower Hotel again. We've stayed at so many different hotels and they're all really nice. I can't say any one of them is better than another.

I will update on Thursday after the appointment.

Almost One Year

2010-01-12T08:21:00.002-07:00

It's almost been one year since I gave birth to baby Grant. I'd really like to get him a gift for his birthday, but seeing that I haven't even seen him since birth, I don't have many ideas. I was thinking about getting him a shirt that says, "I Love My Dads", but I don't know if that's silly or not. I'm sure he has everything and more so what do you get a little one that has everything?

Right on Track

2010-01-09T07:53:00.002-07:00

First, I just want to say I needed a new blog look for the new year and I love pink and black together. Second, AF had arrived and I start my Delestrogen injections tonight! Everything is right on track. You wouldn't think I would be excited to begin poking myself with needles, but with Dr. S, once you start injectibles, transfer is less than 3 weeks away.

I was talking with D the other day and he said that he wants me to take a home pregnancy test. I had been thinking about waiting until the beta this time, but he wants me to POAS so we can be prepared. I won't complain about that...I'm actually glad he settled it for me. I really think it would have been hard to wait those grueling 10 days. I feel good about this transfer and I'm confident this third time will be our charm.

D said he spoke to the egg donor agency and apparently our egg donor's eggs resulted in the birth of a healthy baby November 1. It's unfortunate that we had to experience the two failed cycles with (what we truly believe were) bad embryos.

2010 is our year!!

New Year

2010-01-01T09:21:00.004-07:00

So here we are into another New Year. I'm just waiting to see how fast this one goes by. My new year resolution (along with my husband) is to achieve more balance in our lives. We don't have a written plan, but do have some ideas as to how we want to achieve this goal. I am not going to sit back and wait for this year to be good...I am going to MAKE this year wonderful. Starting with the transfer at the end of this month. I will only be thinking positive thoughts.

I begin my E2V injections on January 9 -wow- just a few days from now. I have a feeling this month is going to fly by and before I know it, I will be pregnant. I can't wait!

Wishing all of you readers the best New Year!

One Thing Missing...

2009-12-31T19:04:00.002-07:00

I just had to say that although I had a Wonderful Christmas, there was just one thing missing. I got no card or e-mail or phone call...nothing from my first IF's. I did send them a Christmas card, but got nothing in return. Oh well, it's not the end of the world, it just would have been nice.

This year is just about over. Time to start a new one and a good one it will be!

Wonderful Christmas

2009-12-27T08:07:00.002-07:00

What a wonderful Christmas I had...and it had nothing to do with the gifts I received. I just had such a great time with all of my family and it has been so nice having a long extended weekend during which my husband did not have to work. My IF's got me a beautiful Tiffanys bracelet and a Harry and David food package for the family. That was very nice (thanks guys!)

One more week and then back to reality. I haven't been thinking about the upcoming transfer as much as I usually do. It's been so nice to have the distraction lately. I'm sure time is going to go by really fast now and before I know it I will be back in LA with my legs up in the air...again.

With the peace and calmness that has come over me lately, I really feel that this next transfer is going to be our lucky one. I'm not as stressed nor worried this time around. I've got a good feeling about this one!

Calendar Officially Received!

2009-12-19T16:38:00.002-07:00

I finally received my calendar yesterday. Looks like ER will be on 1/24-1/26 and then transfer will be on 1/29-1/31. Will know exact day as it gets closer. I am so happy to have dates now.

Looks like my daughters home preschool teacher is now on her way to becoming a surrogate also...how awesome. She will be working with a local agency (smart girl) so I'm pretty sure she will have local IP's. Hopefully we will transfer within a month or two of each other so we will be preggo together.

On a final note, IF said he Fed-exed me something that will arrive on Monday. Very excited to see what it is. I will update then. Now I'm off to do more shopping.

Emotional

2009-12-15T12:28:00.005-07:00

BCP's make me so emotional - one reason I don't take them as a method of birth control. There have been some very promising outcomes on SMO lately that have to do with possible miscarriages and slow rising betas. I read how all of these ladies have gone in for ultrasounds and they have seen heartbeats. One girl is even pregnant with twins. That makes me so happy for them, but at the same time it makes me so upset when I think about what has happened with my past two tries. I don't want to say it's unfair, but I don't know what else to call it. I wish so bad that I could walk away from everything surrogacy related for a while, but I can't. Most of the time, I appear to be holding up really well. Just yesterday, the agency psychologist called and everything was good. It's amazing how feelings can change so quickly. Every now and then, I can't help but think about what will happen if this next transfer fails. Of course, I want to finish what I've started, but I seriously don't know if I can handle another failure.

I want the gods to know that I'm not taking fertility for granted anymore, I've learned my lesson and I'd like to move on now. Why, oh why, does this have to be so damn emotional. And why can't I just relax and go with the flow.

Also, tonight my agency is having another monthly conference call between surrogates. It typically lasts for about an hour. Last month when I was on the call, I hung up halfway because I couldn't stand to hear about all of the things the other (pregnant) surrogates were going through. I was kind of upset. That was the time that I was still waiting to pass everything so I was also very emotional then too. Anyway, I hope tonight goes better and maybe I can make it through the whole call, and maybe not...we'll see.

Still waiting on any word as to what's going on.

Nothing New

2009-12-08T12:44:00.002-07:00

So we're all here just waiting around for the egg donor to start her cycle before we can get our highly anticipated calendar. I was under the impression that was supposed to happen last week, but no such luck. As for now, being on bcp's sucks for me because the hormones make my attitude irrational. The littlest thing makes me so mad that sometimes I can hardly stand it. I could go on and on about that, but I'm so tired of dwelling on it. I'm looking forward to Christmas, but I really can't wait for next month.

Round 3...Bring it On

2009-11-24T18:16:00.003-07:00

Okay, so even though we have a while to go, we officially begin round #3 today. My beta on Monday was down to 5 and my progesterone and estradiol are normal so I start bcp's tonight to sync my cycle with egg donor. Once she starts her period (which should be next week) then we will get a calendar! Wahoo. I just have so much more faith that this time the transfer will work. If it doesn't work, I will finally be officially devastated (as will my IF's). We are hoping for twins, but will take any success we can get.

We will be transferring 2 fresh 5 dayers (I'm pretty sure). This next transfer, I will do everything in my power to only test once...8dpt and only with a digital test. I only want to know if I'm pregnant or not. I don't want to see how dark the line is. I say this this and hope I can hold myself to it. I just can't handle the obsession with POAS that I had last time. I know there is a possibility that a digital could be positive with a chemical, but I don't want to be spending so much money on the tests when the beta will tell me whether or not I'm pregnant.

I'm hoping we could do an early January transfer, but I'll take whatever as long as it's January. If you read this blog, please do a small prayer for us as we all really need some success right about now. I do plan on getting some sort of fertility charm or jewelry...I'm just looking for the one that really stands out to me. I'll update as soon as I hear some new news (good I hope).

No Shot Needed

2009-11-16T14:28:00.003-07:00

My beta on Friday came back at 67 and today at 21. As you can see it is dropping nicely. They still want me to go back, yet again, next Monday to have it checked for *hopefully* the last time. Since I'm not familiar with fresh transfers, I'm not exactly sure what the next steps are. I'm pretty sure I will start bcp's with my next cycle (which I hope will be sometime in December) and then we will go from there. Not much to do now but sit around and do some thumb twiddling. Thank God that we have some holidays coming up for some pretty good distraction.

Also, I talked with B on Saturday and it sounds like Grant is an overall perfect child in their eyes. They are so proud of him. That couldn't make me happier. I asked if they were thinking of making Grant a big brother and they have no plans for that right now, but it's not out of the question. That would be nice to see him in person one of these days...as I haven't seen him since he was born!

Confirmation

2009-11-12T09:24:00.005-07:00

IF's have "confirmed" the donor. They were somewhat pressured into making the decision, but I think they're happy with that decision. I go back for another beta tomorrow and apparently, if it hasn't dropped to the doctors liking, I may have to take a methotrexate shot. I don't feel that's necessary and I'm hoping that won't be the case, but I'm feeling like the pressure is on me because my cycle needs to hurry up and get back to normal.

The donor needs to be done by January 15 because she is an actress and she can't be bloated for pilot season which is apparently in February. Well, I don't know if my body is going to be ready to sync with hers. There is nothing I can do to make my cycle hurry up. Don't get me wrong, I do want a January transfer, but I can't guarantee anything. Anyway, taking methotrexate just doesn't sound healthy to me and I'd really like to avoid it if I can. Listen to what I found, "In the case of early missed miscarriage (particularly a blighted ovum), in which fetal demise has occurred but the body has not expelled the fetus, methotrexate may be used to help the body begin the miscarriage process." Well, I've already miscarried so how could it help me now????

The guys are really set on a fresh transfer...so I hope I'm not the one to ruin that for them, but you know - it is what it is and whatever happens, happens.

HCG Falling

2009-11-09T13:38:00.002-07:00

On Friday my hcg was 1,023 and today it fell to 339. Good, but not zero yet so back for more blood on Friday. We're on our way with getting the new egg donor. I feel pretty good about transferring in January so I won't be pregnant through the holidays.

I'm feeling pretty good now, pretty happy. Time to focus on my body for the time being. Need a strong healthy body for the next transfer.

I Thought the Day Would Never Come (TMI post)

2009-11-02T15:41:00.004-07:00

After an excruciating week of horrible morning sickness, my body finally decided to realize that there was not really a baby in the uterus after all. I began bleeding lightly yesterday and by very early this morning (like 4am) I began losing clots. Just a couple hours later, I was losing a lot of blood (with clots). I was getting really light headed, but everything turned out okay. I went through about 6 overnight pads this morning alone. The bleeding had lightened up quite a bit and I'm feeling much better. The cramping was very noticeable, but nothing I couldn't handle. With the morning sickness over, my appetite returned with full force...and I wanted to try and begin some sort of diet today (yeah right!)

I spoke with the doctors office today and I was told to go in for a follow up beta on Friday. D and I talked on the phone for awhile last night and I'm not sure at this point whether they have a new donor or not...that is turning into quite a sticky situation right now, but we have time. It looks like we will not be doing another transfer until January - and I'm okay with that. No worries over the holidays and time for my body to recoup.

This whole entire second journey has not been anything I could have ever imagined. I feel very close to D after everything we've been through which I'm happy about. It's just been so hard with all the loss and the time we've put into all of this. I'm almost 33 and D and I have discussed that not long after this first journey is done, they don't want to wait very long before trying again. If we keep having failures then time keeps getting pushed back further and further. I know it's what I want to do, it's just hard...I'm not getting any younger and my body is just not in the shape it used to be - like when I was pregnant with my first. I just hope I can handle it. I keep telling myself that I want to get healthy, but can't seem to push myself into doing something about it. If only I could get stronger mentally...

No Such Luck

2009-10-26T10:33:00.003-06:00

My U/S revealed an empty sac. I'm surprisingly calm for having received such news. Maybe it just hasn't hit me yet...I don't know. I haven't spoken with the RE's office yet, but I am glad to have an answer and I am ready to move on. I hope that whatever the future brings...we are successful. It's time to focus on my family right now (daughter was diagnosed with autism on Wednesday) and move on with surrogacy when the time comes. I hope this pleasant mood I'm experiencing right now stays with me. Will update when I hear anything new.

Tomorrow's the Big Day

2009-10-25T14:37:00.002-06:00

And I am feeling pretty good about it. I have been having numerous pregnancy signs such as a horrible migraine headache yesterday, nauseousness, and I can't stand the smell of maple syrup - which only happens when I'm pregnant. I took another pregnancy test (silly, I know) and it said without a doubt - pregnant. In fact, the line showed up before the control line. But, I wonder if all of this could still happen with a blighted ovum??? I will pray again tonight that we see a heartbeat tomorrow. RE gave us a 50/50 chance which doesn't seem that good to me. My IF's don't seem to have a lot of faith, but I still do. If we don't see a baby in that sac tomorrow, I won't have a lot of faith left in my body.

I just want to note for records sake, that I had not one single pregnancy symptom when I had the miscarriage - ever. This pregnancy, whether successful or not, I have had nearly all the symptoms I had during my first surrogacy so...we'll see what happens!! I'll update tomorrow.

We've Got Something...

2009-10-19T16:33:00.001-06:00

U/S revealed a sac. The tech could not see anything in it, but that's okay because it is still very early - I'm 5w3d today. So, of course, I go back on Monday for another U/S. If we see a heartbeat - fantastic, if not, we may have a blighted ovum. Please pray we see a heartbeat.....

Now for more waiting.

Monday Can't Come Soon Enough

2009-10-15T14:12:00.004-06:00

I am still having cramping in my abdomen so I'm still praying that nothing goes wrong, but I feel somewhat safe saying it's not just a chemical pregnancy. Check this out...

It's about darn time that my line became as dark as the control line. I can honestly say that I will be shocked if I go in for my U/S on Monday and she tells me positive news. Every night I have U/S dreams. Talk about time dragging on. It's one thing to have to wait until the beta (2WW) but it's another to have to wait for an U/S that will tell you whether or not you have a viable pregnancy. This is seriously killing me. Aaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhh.

Still Rising

2009-10-12T18:56:00.003-06:00

My beta number went up to 286 today. Still can't say I'm feeling great about it all. I've been having a very unusual somewhat crampy feeling in lower abdomen. No blood so that's good, but my fear is ectopic pregnancy. I have an U/S appointment on Monday 10/19 to see if this is a viable pregnancy. I'm hoping to make it that far this time considering we did not last time. I'm hoping for the best, but expecting the worst. It's not that I'm being pessimistic, I'm just trying to be realistic.

Cautiously Optimistic

2009-10-10T14:55:00.002-06:00

Well my beta jumped to 130 which nobody expected. I (of course) have to go back in on Monday for yet another beta. That might be the "make it or break it" beta. Of course we are hoping for it to continue to rise, but will not be shocked if it tumbles. Here's to the power of prayer!!

Holy Hormones

2009-10-09T18:13:00.003-06:00

My hormones are getting the better of me today. I seriously feel like I could pull my hair out. I'm so mad, but I have nothing to really be mad at. Even though this pregnancy might not work out...I can tell I'm pregnant. I've had all the symptoms that I had with my first surrogacy. The little embryo in there right now must be struggling to survive. My pregnancy test was even darker today. I don't still hold a lot of hope for this pregnancy, but at least there is a teeny fighting chance. Will know more tomorrow.

Not Feeling Optimistic

2009-10-08T15:08:00.002-06:00

Beta came back today - low at 48. Doesn't mean we're out, but doesn't look very promising either. Looks like another chemical pregnancy looming on the horizon for D&W. I feel like we just can't win. I thought for sure that the 3rd time would be a charm (not my third try, but theirs). Anyway, back to the lab on Saturday to see where the numbers are heading.