Looking Like October

I spoke with D yesterday and after talking with the doc. we learned that we will only need to wait for one cycle before starting meds again. That should put us in early October for our next transfer. I am expecting my cycle to begin around mid-September so I still have around a month. My hcg was still at nine on Monday so I am hoping it's reached zero now.

D and I are both superstitious people and I feel that this last transfer, I just set myself up for dissapointment. After my successful first transfer with my FIF's, I think I took for granted that it would automatically work this time around. I never thought that something bad would happen and we had a m/c. This seems to happen to me each time. The first time I never expected that I would need to go through a reduction, although I had written agreement that I would, and this time, I expected everything to work wonderfully. Well, I'm hoping that next time, if something unexpected were to happen, that I will be able to deal with it better.

All I really want to say is that I am truly hoping for the best next time and I pray that we will have success. Please let October be our month.

One Year Ago Today...

Was the day I had the reduction - two perfect angel babies sent to heaven. I think the hardest part thinking back on this now is that I am still struggling with the fact that I had a miscarriage and I am not pregnant right now. My new IF's would give anything to have one healthy baby. They would be over the moon if they were blessed with two, so it's difficult to think that while some would do anything for a baby, others could make such a decision as to take a baby's life. I can't pass judgement because I still love and respect my FIF's, but I still think about the choice they made and how much it hurts.

I'm somewhat stressed now as I fear the uncertainty of the future. I wish I wasn't one to dwell on what hasn't happened yet, but I'm so afraid of the upcoming transfer. I'm so afraid of it failing again. I would be so devastated if a series of failed transfers prevented me from ever being a surrogate again. I'm really trying to keep in mind to have a positive attitude that this next transfer will be a success, but I think I'm still a little down about this recent loss.