Emotional

BCP's make me so emotional - one reason I don't take them as a method of birth control. There have been some very promising outcomes on SMO lately that have to do with possible miscarriages and slow rising betas. I read how all of these ladies have gone in for ultrasounds and they have seen heartbeats. One girl is even pregnant with twins. That makes me so happy for them, but at the same time it makes me so upset when I think about what has happened with my past two tries. I don't want to say it's unfair, but I don't know what else to call it. I wish so bad that I could walk away from everything surrogacy related for a while, but I can't. Most of the time, I appear to be holding up really well. Just yesterday, the agency psychologist called and everything was good. It's amazing how feelings can change so quickly. Every now and then, I can't help but think about what will happen if this next transfer fails. Of course, I want to finish what I've started, but I seriously don't know if I can handle another failure.

I want the gods to know that I'm not taking fertility for granted anymore, I've learned my lesson and I'd like to move on now. Why, oh why, does this have to be so damn emotional. And why can't I just relax and go with the flow.

Also, tonight my agency is having another monthly conference call between surrogates. It typically lasts for about an hour. Last month when I was on the call, I hung up halfway because I couldn't stand to hear about all of the things the other (pregnant) surrogates were going through. I was kind of upset. That was the time that I was still waiting to pass everything so I was also very emotional then too. Anyway, I hope tonight goes better and maybe I can make it through the whole call, and maybe not...we'll see.

Still waiting on any word as to what's going on.