Decisions...

I have really been struggling over the past few weeks whether or not I want to do another surrogacy now or not. I have questioned whether or not to have another baby of my own but have come to the decision that right now is not the time to do so. My daughter is struggling with speaking - meaning that she's not speaking at all. She is about 22 months now and still no words. I have been working with her so much lately for what seems to me like no progress. I will admit that I get very discouraged sometimes. Hopefully we will get her in for a specialized hearing test next month and then we go from there.

Anyway, I decided that I would like to do another journey and I don't even know if I can explain all of the thoughts that have been running through my head but I will make a feable attempt. First, ideally I would love to do it for my FIF's again, but I contacted them and basically right now it's too early to even know if they will want another baby (which I completely understand). I've thought about doing it for new IP's but I have to say I'm nervous about matching with new people simply because I've heard of so many horrible journeys. I was agonizing over whether or not to go indy, switch agencies (only due to the traveling aspect), choose IP's or go with IF's again. This has consumed my brain for the past few weeks.

Why so soon you ask? I will be honest. I am a SAHM mom and my husband works his butt off and isn't home all that often. He barely brings home enough for us to pay our bills now that the economy has taken the downturn. I can't go out and get a job because we can't afford childcare, I could do daycare from our house but I didn't enjoy it much the last time I did that. Essentially, I need to supplement our income or at least finish getting our debt paid off. Why not do that by doing something I do enjoy (surrogacy) which will also give the most incredible gift to another couple? It's what I want to do. I love being pregnant - sure I complain sometimes. Who doesn't? Am I doing this just for the money - hell no, but is the money important - you betcha. Got a problem with this? Sorry because it's not mine. I'm just trying to provide someone with a family while trying to provide for my family at the same time. I really think this is an issue that is so taboo but I need to be honest with others to be honest with myself.

I contacted my first agency to see what the process would be going in for a second round. Word spread and instead of me contacting them, they contacted me. So now I'm really considering it, although it looks like I will have to start from scratch - meaning I even have to fill out the application again. They say they already have a really good match for me. Is that true? I don't know but I am kind of curious to find out.

So here I am, on the brink of beginning my second surrogacy journey. The only hope I have is that it will be as good as the first and that I can once again give the gift of life to a special and deserving family.