Out of Commission Awhile

Sorry to say that this blog will most likely be out of commission awhile unless and until I have some good news to post. Bear with me as it can't be forever...

Journal Entry

AF started yesterday (2/16)...start pills tonight.

One Year Today

Just want to wish little Grant a wonderful happy birthday. I am so proud and thankful to have been a part of your life! Thank you.

Thinking Ahead

That glass of wine that I attempted to enjoy the other night turned out to be not so enjoyable. Around 1am that morning, I got so sick that even to relive that now make me feel nauseous. I had the worst stomach virus I've ever experienced. I'm still recovering today. No more red wine for me for awhile thanks!

I spoke with D this morning and he said they were having a conference call with a new potential egg donor...right about now. I really can't believe how fast they may have found someone. That's great...I guess.

Having been stuck in bed for the last two days, it gave me a lot of time to think. I'm thinking now that this last failure has really been harder on me than I thought it was. I'm kind of feeling a little depressed and I know it has a little to do with the fact that I was really sick, but I'm also thinking that maybe this surrogacy attempt just isn't meant to be...with me anyway. Three failed attempts with two different egg donors. The only constant now is me and the guys' sperm. Yeah, I'm proven, but that doesn't mean anything really. It comes down to this. If this next attempt doesn't work, I'm thinking it may be time to recommend a new surrogate because I too, want them to have a baby, but I'm not producing that. I've tried everything in my power...luck charms, praying, crossing fingers, positive thinking. None of it has worked. This next time I will go in with nothing but hope and if it doesn't work, then maybe it just wasn't meant to be. I don't know what else to say. I haven't lost hope.

Official Negative

Got the "official negative" today. At least we weren't shocked...we knew what to expect. Doc said he believes it to be a true run of "bad luck". He has now become dedicated to ensure my IF's have a baby (not that he wasn't before). So therefore, we will be moving on, it's just a matter of time and taking the necessary steps to *hopefully* have a successful pregnancy next time. IF's will have to find a new egg donor (a very young one) and then we'll try again.

Stopping meds tonight and having a glass of red wine!

Reference

The only reason I'm even posting right now is for reference just in case there is a next time. I shouldn't have, but I began testing 4.5dpt and every single test up through today has been negative. I am 8dpt today and finally told D this morning (he thought I hadn't tested until this morning). I haven't talked with him much so I really don't know his thoughts. I know that he almost kind of expected the bad news, but I know underneath it he was truly crushed.

I go in for beta on Tuesday at which point (I can't wait) I will stop meds (it just kills me to be doing them for no reason...but alas, I will continue to take them). I don't know where we will go from here. Our last 2 embryos didn't make it to freezing so there was a whopping $30,000 for nothing. I really hope that my IF's want to move on...WITH me. This whole experience has been so disheartening. I don't know what else to say. If we do this again, they will have to find another egg donor (third) and start this whole process from the beginning. I'm pretty certain they'll move on because they paid for the 3 transfer package (ideally in hopes for siblings), but we've already used 1 with no success so there are only 2 left.

Uuuugggghhh. Why?? And please don't say because they just aren't destined to have children!

Home Sweet Home

Not there yet, but heading back today. It's been a wonderful trip, but looking forward to being at home again.

We transferred 2 fresh embryos Saturday morning. Everything went better than expected and so here we are (for the third time) in the 2 week wait. This time there will be no stressing, no obsessing, just taking it as it comes. I still feel very good about everything and will continue to do so. Whatever happens, happens.

Well, we are off to go do some shopping before heading to the airport. Will keep you updated!