One Year Ago Today...

Was the day I had the reduction - two perfect angel babies sent to heaven. I think the hardest part thinking back on this now is that I am still struggling with the fact that I had a miscarriage and I am not pregnant right now. My new IF's would give anything to have one healthy baby. They would be over the moon if they were blessed with two, so it's difficult to think that while some would do anything for a baby, others could make such a decision as to take a baby's life. I can't pass judgement because I still love and respect my FIF's, but I still think about the choice they made and how much it hurts.

I'm somewhat stressed now as I fear the uncertainty of the future. I wish I wasn't one to dwell on what hasn't happened yet, but I'm so afraid of the upcoming transfer. I'm so afraid of it failing again. I would be so devastated if a series of failed transfers prevented me from ever being a surrogate again. I'm really trying to keep in mind to have a positive attitude that this next transfer will be a success, but I think I'm still a little down about this recent loss.