Tuesday, January 25, 2011


Slowly but surely, I'm beginning to feel my post-partum emotions with guilt being the most prominent. I've read many times about surrogates feeling guilty when their surrobaby(ies) have to spend time in the NICU. Well, now I'm in that boat. I just never thought in a million years that this would happen to me...that I would give birth to premature babies. They were born at 34w5d. I thought they may spend a few days in there, but that's turning out not to be the case. They've been in the NICU and now graduate NICU for one week now. I just found out tonight that they may be in there for another 2-3 weeks! Because I keep hearing how healthy they are, it seems like a long time to have to spend in there.

W had to go home so he could get back to work so D is in the hospital by himself. While he has unlimited help from the doctors and nurses, it's just not the same...and I completely understand. I can't even go to the hospital to help him because I can't drive. I'm not stressing over this, I just wish that there were something I could do to help. I can't imagine being SO far from home for such a long time, all the while worrying about the health of your newborn babies.

I really hope that this is just one last bump in the road. Seriously...what a journey!


MrsKnight said...

I too was surprised by my water breaking early at 35 weeks. I was sure I would carry to 38 weeks, and I did feel some guilt/shame that they were born so early. I'm sure that guilt/shame would have been much greater if they'd had difficulties. You know you kept yourself healthy and did everything right.... in the end they will be fine. :-)

Babywearing is supposed to be highly beneficial for preemies in the NICU. You might ask the dads if the hospital staff can arrange for some skin-to-skin.

COsurromommy said...

They've been doing kangaroo care since before I left the hospital which I agree is wonderful!

ali said...

I am so sorry. I had my own twins at 33 weeks and remember the anger and sadness I felt over it. I'm a 2x surrogate, but both were full term. I can only imagine the pain I'd feel if a surro baby came early.

I imagine it's just going to take time for you to heal. Many positive thoughts coming your way! Glad I found your blog. :)

Surrogate, Single Parent and Dating... said...

Hang in there and know you did everything you could. I know it has to be hard on you and the guilt must be tough to handle, but know that they are just getting the care they need so they will be able to go home big and healthy!

Susan said...

My first surrotwins were born at 34w3d and stayed in the hospital almost 3 weeks. It sucked. I think that the docs are a bit too cautious sometimes.

Mommy with Many Gifts said...

I totally know how you feel... when I went into labor at 32 weeks with the triplets I apologized over and over again to everyone!! But, it wasn't my fault. I hated seeing all of those wires and tubes all over their bodies week after week. But, it wasn't my fault just like it isn't yours. You did an amazing thing and brought life to these babies!! These feelings will get better soon, especially after they come home and start growing and growing!