So Irritated

The doctor called me today and said that the egg donor is ready to go! That got me so excited. Then I spoke to D and he said that he was told the retrieval was going to be the 3rd week of May. Therefore, putting the transfer in the 4th week. That's 2 whole months away! I am so irritated with this whole process. We had our first transfer in July and now getting closer to a year and a handful of transfers later, we have nothing to show for it. IF I do actually get pregnant this time, then I will be pregnant the exact same time as I was with Grant (we transferred May 25). I really hope that the transfer time is the only thing that will be similar...I say that because I know we will be transferring 3 embryos this time so I really don't want a repeat reduction.

I'm just so mad (one of my favorite Mercer Mayer books).

Just Have to Update

I don't have any good news to post, but I just have to write about what I found out today. D called just a bit ago and asked if I was sitting down. He told me that their egg donor has chlamydia and hepatitis B. WOW! and DAMN! The news is (yeah, there's actually good news about this situation) that another donor was dropped by her IP's (still not sure why) and she was just getting ready to cycle. We may be able to pick up our cycle pretty much where we left off...just with another donor. I should know more in the next few days.

One of these days...if I'm up to it, I will try to post about how emotional this second journey has been for me. Maybe if I write it down, I will be able to move past it all because it's still eating me up inside.

Out of Commission Awhile

Sorry to say that this blog will most likely be out of commission awhile unless and until I have some good news to post. Bear with me as it can't be forever...

Journal Entry

AF started yesterday (2/16)...start pills tonight.

One Year Today

Just want to wish little Grant a wonderful happy birthday. I am so proud and thankful to have been a part of your life! Thank you.

Thinking Ahead

That glass of wine that I attempted to enjoy the other night turned out to be not so enjoyable. Around 1am that morning, I got so sick that even to relive that now make me feel nauseous. I had the worst stomach virus I've ever experienced. I'm still recovering today. No more red wine for me for awhile thanks!

I spoke with D this morning and he said they were having a conference call with a new potential egg donor...right about now. I really can't believe how fast they may have found someone. That's great...I guess.

Having been stuck in bed for the last two days, it gave me a lot of time to think. I'm thinking now that this last failure has really been harder on me than I thought it was. I'm kind of feeling a little depressed and I know it has a little to do with the fact that I was really sick, but I'm also thinking that maybe this surrogacy attempt just isn't meant to be...with me anyway. Three failed attempts with two different egg donors. The only constant now is me and the guys' sperm. Yeah, I'm proven, but that doesn't mean anything really. It comes down to this. If this next attempt doesn't work, I'm thinking it may be time to recommend a new surrogate because I too, want them to have a baby, but I'm not producing that. I've tried everything in my power...luck charms, praying, crossing fingers, positive thinking. None of it has worked. This next time I will go in with nothing but hope and if it doesn't work, then maybe it just wasn't meant to be. I don't know what else to say. I haven't lost hope.

Official Negative

Got the "official negative" today. At least we weren't shocked...we knew what to expect. Doc said he believes it to be a true run of "bad luck". He has now become dedicated to ensure my IF's have a baby (not that he wasn't before). So therefore, we will be moving on, it's just a matter of time and taking the necessary steps to *hopefully* have a successful pregnancy next time. IF's will have to find a new egg donor (a very young one) and then we'll try again.

Stopping meds tonight and having a glass of red wine!