Round 3...Bring it On

Okay, so even though we have a while to go, we officially begin round #3 today. My beta on Monday was down to 5 and my progesterone and estradiol are normal so I start bcp's tonight to sync my cycle with egg donor. Once she starts her period (which should be next week) then we will get a calendar! Wahoo. I just have so much more faith that this time the transfer will work. If it doesn't work, I will finally be officially devastated (as will my IF's). We are hoping for twins, but will take any success we can get.

We will be transferring 2 fresh 5 dayers (I'm pretty sure). This next transfer, I will do everything in my power to only test once...8dpt and only with a digital test. I only want to know if I'm pregnant or not. I don't want to see how dark the line is. I say this this and hope I can hold myself to it. I just can't handle the obsession with POAS that I had last time. I know there is a possibility that a digital could be positive with a chemical, but I don't want to be spending so much money on the tests when the beta will tell me whether or not I'm pregnant.

I'm hoping we could do an early January transfer, but I'll take whatever as long as it's January. If you read this blog, please do a small prayer for us as we all really need some success right about now. I do plan on getting some sort of fertility charm or jewelry...I'm just looking for the one that really stands out to me. I'll update as soon as I hear some new news (good I hope).

No Shot Needed

My beta on Friday came back at 67 and today at 21. As you can see it is dropping nicely. They still want me to go back, yet again, next Monday to have it checked for *hopefully* the last time. Since I'm not familiar with fresh transfers, I'm not exactly sure what the next steps are. I'm pretty sure I will start bcp's with my next cycle (which I hope will be sometime in December) and then we will go from there. Not much to do now but sit around and do some thumb twiddling. Thank God that we have some holidays coming up for some pretty good distraction.

Also, I talked with B on Saturday and it sounds like Grant is an overall perfect child in their eyes. They are so proud of him. That couldn't make me happier. I asked if they were thinking of making Grant a big brother and they have no plans for that right now, but it's not out of the question. That would be nice to see him in person one of these days...as I haven't seen him since he was born!

Confirmation

IF's have "confirmed" the donor. They were somewhat pressured into making the decision, but I think they're happy with that decision. I go back for another beta tomorrow and apparently, if it hasn't dropped to the doctors liking, I may have to take a methotrexate shot. I don't feel that's necessary and I'm hoping that won't be the case, but I'm feeling like the pressure is on me because my cycle needs to hurry up and get back to normal.

The donor needs to be done by January 15 because she is an actress and she can't be bloated for pilot season which is apparently in February. Well, I don't know if my body is going to be ready to sync with hers. There is nothing I can do to make my cycle hurry up. Don't get me wrong, I do want a January transfer, but I can't guarantee anything. Anyway, taking methotrexate just doesn't sound healthy to me and I'd really like to avoid it if I can. Listen to what I found, "In the case of early missed miscarriage (particularly a blighted ovum), in which fetal demise has occurred but the body has not expelled the fetus, methotrexate may be used to help the body begin the miscarriage process." Well, I've already miscarried so how could it help me now????

The guys are really set on a fresh transfer...so I hope I'm not the one to ruin that for them, but you know - it is what it is and whatever happens, happens.

HCG Falling

On Friday my hcg was 1,023 and today it fell to 339. Good, but not zero yet so back for more blood on Friday. We're on our way with getting the new egg donor. I feel pretty good about transferring in January so I won't be pregnant through the holidays.

I'm feeling pretty good now, pretty happy. Time to focus on my body for the time being. Need a strong healthy body for the next transfer.

I Thought the Day Would Never Come (TMI post)

After an excruciating week of horrible morning sickness, my body finally decided to realize that there was not really a baby in the uterus after all. I began bleeding lightly yesterday and by very early this morning (like 4am) I began losing clots. Just a couple hours later, I was losing a lot of blood (with clots). I was getting really light headed, but everything turned out okay. I went through about 6 overnight pads this morning alone. The bleeding had lightened up quite a bit and I'm feeling much better. The cramping was very noticeable, but nothing I couldn't handle. With the morning sickness over, my appetite returned with full force...and I wanted to try and begin some sort of diet today (yeah right!)

I spoke with the doctors office today and I was told to go in for a follow up beta on Friday. D and I talked on the phone for awhile last night and I'm not sure at this point whether they have a new donor or not...that is turning into quite a sticky situation right now, but we have time. It looks like we will not be doing another transfer until January - and I'm okay with that. No worries over the holidays and time for my body to recoup.

This whole entire second journey has not been anything I could have ever imagined. I feel very close to D after everything we've been through which I'm happy about. It's just been so hard with all the loss and the time we've put into all of this. I'm almost 33 and D and I have discussed that not long after this first journey is done, they don't want to wait very long before trying again. If we keep having failures then time keeps getting pushed back further and further. I know it's what I want to do, it's just hard...I'm not getting any younger and my body is just not in the shape it used to be - like when I was pregnant with my first. I just hope I can handle it. I keep telling myself that I want to get healthy, but can't seem to push myself into doing something about it. If only I could get stronger mentally...