One Thing Missing...

I just had to say that although I had a Wonderful Christmas, there was just one thing missing. I got no card or e-mail or phone call...nothing from my first IF's. I did send them a Christmas card, but got nothing in return. Oh well, it's not the end of the world, it just would have been nice.

This year is just about over. Time to start a new one and a good one it will be!

Wonderful Christmas

What a wonderful Christmas I had...and it had nothing to do with the gifts I received. I just had such a great time with all of my family and it has been so nice having a long extended weekend during which my husband did not have to work. My IF's got me a beautiful Tiffanys bracelet and a Harry and David food package for the family. That was very nice (thanks guys!)

One more week and then back to reality. I haven't been thinking about the upcoming transfer as much as I usually do. It's been so nice to have the distraction lately. I'm sure time is going to go by really fast now and before I know it I will be back in LA with my legs up in the air...again.

With the peace and calmness that has come over me lately, I really feel that this next transfer is going to be our lucky one. I'm not as stressed nor worried this time around. I've got a good feeling about this one!

Calendar Officially Received!

I finally received my calendar yesterday. Looks like ER will be on 1/24-1/26 and then transfer will be on 1/29-1/31. Will know exact day as it gets closer. I am so happy to have dates now.

Looks like my daughters home preschool teacher is now on her way to becoming a surrogate also...how awesome. She will be working with a local agency (smart girl) so I'm pretty sure she will have local IP's. Hopefully we will transfer within a month or two of each other so we will be preggo together.

On a final note, IF said he Fed-exed me something that will arrive on Monday. Very excited to see what it is. I will update then. Now I'm off to do more shopping.

Emotional

BCP's make me so emotional - one reason I don't take them as a method of birth control. There have been some very promising outcomes on SMO lately that have to do with possible miscarriages and slow rising betas. I read how all of these ladies have gone in for ultrasounds and they have seen heartbeats. One girl is even pregnant with twins. That makes me so happy for them, but at the same time it makes me so upset when I think about what has happened with my past two tries. I don't want to say it's unfair, but I don't know what else to call it. I wish so bad that I could walk away from everything surrogacy related for a while, but I can't. Most of the time, I appear to be holding up really well. Just yesterday, the agency psychologist called and everything was good. It's amazing how feelings can change so quickly. Every now and then, I can't help but think about what will happen if this next transfer fails. Of course, I want to finish what I've started, but I seriously don't know if I can handle another failure.

I want the gods to know that I'm not taking fertility for granted anymore, I've learned my lesson and I'd like to move on now. Why, oh why, does this have to be so damn emotional. And why can't I just relax and go with the flow.

Also, tonight my agency is having another monthly conference call between surrogates. It typically lasts for about an hour. Last month when I was on the call, I hung up halfway because I couldn't stand to hear about all of the things the other (pregnant) surrogates were going through. I was kind of upset. That was the time that I was still waiting to pass everything so I was also very emotional then too. Anyway, I hope tonight goes better and maybe I can make it through the whole call, and maybe not...we'll see.

Still waiting on any word as to what's going on.

Nothing New

So we're all here just waiting around for the egg donor to start her cycle before we can get our highly anticipated calendar. I was under the impression that was supposed to happen last week, but no such luck. As for now, being on bcp's sucks for me because the hormones make my attitude irrational. The littlest thing makes me so mad that sometimes I can hardly stand it. I could go on and on about that, but I'm so tired of dwelling on it. I'm looking forward to Christmas, but I really can't wait for next month.

Round 3...Bring it On

Okay, so even though we have a while to go, we officially begin round #3 today. My beta on Monday was down to 5 and my progesterone and estradiol are normal so I start bcp's tonight to sync my cycle with egg donor. Once she starts her period (which should be next week) then we will get a calendar! Wahoo. I just have so much more faith that this time the transfer will work. If it doesn't work, I will finally be officially devastated (as will my IF's). We are hoping for twins, but will take any success we can get.

We will be transferring 2 fresh 5 dayers (I'm pretty sure). This next transfer, I will do everything in my power to only test once...8dpt and only with a digital test. I only want to know if I'm pregnant or not. I don't want to see how dark the line is. I say this this and hope I can hold myself to it. I just can't handle the obsession with POAS that I had last time. I know there is a possibility that a digital could be positive with a chemical, but I don't want to be spending so much money on the tests when the beta will tell me whether or not I'm pregnant.

I'm hoping we could do an early January transfer, but I'll take whatever as long as it's January. If you read this blog, please do a small prayer for us as we all really need some success right about now. I do plan on getting some sort of fertility charm or jewelry...I'm just looking for the one that really stands out to me. I'll update as soon as I hear some new news (good I hope).

No Shot Needed

My beta on Friday came back at 67 and today at 21. As you can see it is dropping nicely. They still want me to go back, yet again, next Monday to have it checked for *hopefully* the last time. Since I'm not familiar with fresh transfers, I'm not exactly sure what the next steps are. I'm pretty sure I will start bcp's with my next cycle (which I hope will be sometime in December) and then we will go from there. Not much to do now but sit around and do some thumb twiddling. Thank God that we have some holidays coming up for some pretty good distraction.

Also, I talked with B on Saturday and it sounds like Grant is an overall perfect child in their eyes. They are so proud of him. That couldn't make me happier. I asked if they were thinking of making Grant a big brother and they have no plans for that right now, but it's not out of the question. That would be nice to see him in person one of these days...as I haven't seen him since he was born!