New Ticker

Okay, so I know that I am not really going to give birth to triplets but I have to be technically correct for now right? This is the cutest ticker I have seen yet! So the wierdest thing happened yesterday. The psychologist from my agency called, as she knows what is going on, and at one point she asked how I was doing in regards to having some negativity on the SMO boards. I was shocked! How did she know? I had read earlier about people from certain agencies reading posts there but I'm thinking maybe everyone from my agency does (unless she happens to be a current or past surrogate herself). Anyway the point is, I never told her anything. Or anybody else from my agency. Whatever, big deal. At least I have never said anything bad about anybody (and I don't plan to). Are they reading my blog too? Kind of reminds me of Big Brother... J/K

And by the way, I will change the ticker when it is appropriate.

I can't sleep

I should be asleep right now, but I can't until I get my thoughts off my mind. I was on SMO today and found somebody who was offering to make people new siggy's. After I thought about it for awhile I thought that it would be cool. I checked to see if she would and it turned out adorable. When I was lying in bed I was thinking about and I thought, "oh no, it has three little babies on it". It was three little babies (Anne Geddes picture) in bee outfits inside little flower pots. Totally cute. I got to thinking that maybe it would be more appropriate if I had a picture of only one baby instead. I e-mailed her and tried to go back to sleep. Then (of course) I got to thinking about the procedure and began to cry. I've always been pro-choice. I feel if a woman decides that they need to go through with an abortion, it should be her choice and she should do what she needs to do. With that in mind - I would never go through that myself. Well... here I am and I am practically in that situation and it is so hard to face. I feel so guilty. I know that they are not my babies but that doesn't make it any easier. I'm a person who can't even kill a bug (even though I don't like them). And now I feel like I am personally killing two babies. I kept telling myself once it is over it will be easier. Whatever! Then I will probably feel even worse. People always tell me if I need/want to talk about it then they are there but I'm not good at talking about my feelings - even to a professional. That's just the way I am. This is somewhat of a journal of my journey, so since I am not speaking to an actual person, it is easier for me to express my thoughts. Most of the time I just try not to think about it, but when I do it is soooo hard. I will try contacting someone else who has had to go through this before and maybe I will be able to get through this better.

Raging hormones

Let me tell you that I have never been so negatively affected by hormones. Forget about making me moody. I have never had so many headaches in my life - especially migraines. Yesterday, I had one of the worst headaches I have ever had and on top of that I could not keep anything down. I ate three times yesterday and threw up three times yesterday. It was awful. The Dr. called in a prescription of Vicoden and that did help. Fortunately, everything is better today. I can eat and I have not even a hint of a headache. I am assuming that my body is just trying to regulate after I stopped taking all of my meds. So far this pregnancy has not been good - it really makes me question whether or not I would ever want to do this again. I'm hoping things will start getting better. I fly out to LA on 8/7, have the procedure scheduled for 8/8, and will be back home on 8/9. After that I truly hope this pregnancy will improve. Only time will tell...

10-week (and final) U/S

I had my last U/S before I am to be released to my OB this morning. The U/S went well. Nothing has changed except the babies have grown. They are all more distinguished and were moving around. I was 10 minutes late (I'm usually never late) but fortunately they still saw me. I had to drive out to the appt. (45 min.) hardly able to see due to a migraine headache that started right as I dropped Evan off for school. Now that the last U/S is done, it will be time to schedule the reduction. I am completely not looking forward to it in any way, shape, or form, but I cannot wait until everything will be the way it's going to be and this pregnancy can just progress with (hopefully) no complications. The IF that was at the U/S today expressed his sadness for the upcoming reduction. It is really sad to think about after seeing them all dancing around in there today. I tried to take a nap today but I couldn't stop thinking about the procedure. I ended up doing a search online to see at what stage fetuses could feel pain. While it doesn't make me feel any better, it looks like fetuses don't feel anything until the third trimester at the earliest. I just can't wait until this is over. If I ever pursue surrogacy again, I will never allow this to happen again.

My morning sickness is like a roller coaster. Yesterday it was horrible (although I've only actually thrown up once thus far). Today it is not bad (I say that now). Fortunately I get to stop my meds tomorrow. That makes me so happy. I will post when I find out what is going on because I don't even know. Til then... here is a pic of the U/S today.

Oh so sad news

I just got off the phone with my case coordinator and she said she received an e-mail from the IF's today saying that they are 95% positive they will reduce to one fetus. I knew that this was going to happen but to hear it makes so much more sad. I (think I) have mentally prepared myself for this but I know when the time comes it is going to hit me like a ton of bricks. I just can't wait for all of this to be over with and to just be able to go on with a (hopefully) normal pregnancy. That's all I can say because I can't say what my feelings are towards my IP's.

8 week U/S update

I went in for my 8 week U/S (with Lily) today and not much has changed except the size of the babies. There are still 3 in there and the tech said that all 3 have very strong heartbeats. I have been trying hard to not think about the impending future. We are all going camping this weekend with some friends so hopefully it will keep my mind off of it. I did talk to B today but he didn't really say much. It will be very hard for me to talk about having to go through the reduction. It still just makes me so sad to think of not only the people who go through heartbreaking infertility troubles but also even the surrogates who have to go through the failed transfers. I got lucky, in a sense, I only wish it would have been somebody else who would have been able to carry all 3 babies. Two more weeks until my next U/S. B & B will be there for that one. The babies will look more like babies by then. I was able to stop one of my medications today. Yea! Two weeks until I can stop all meds - I can't wait, seriously.