Follow along as I dive into the emotional world of becoming a surrogate mother.
Sunday, July 27, 2008
I can't sleep
I should be asleep right now, but I can't until I get my thoughts off my mind. I was on SMO today and found somebody who was offering to make people new siggy's. After I thought about it for awhile I thought that it would be cool. I checked to see if she would and it turned out adorable. When I was lying in bed I was thinking about and I thought, "oh no, it has three little babies on it". It was three little babies (Anne Geddes picture) in bee outfits inside little flower pots. Totally cute. I got to thinking that maybe it would be more appropriate if I had a picture of only one baby instead. I e-mailed her and tried to go back to sleep. Then (of course) I got to thinking about the procedure and began to cry. I've always been pro-choice. I feel if a woman decides that they need to go through with an abortion, it should be her choice and she should do what she needs to do. With that in mind - I would never go through that myself. Well... here I am and I am practically in that situation and it is so hard to face. I feel so guilty. I know that they are not my babies but that doesn't make it any easier. I'm a person who can't even kill a bug (even though I don't like them). And now I feel like I am personally killing two babies. I kept telling myself once it is over it will be easier. Whatever! Then I will probably feel even worse. People always tell me if I need/want to talk about it then they are there but I'm not good at talking about my feelings - even to a professional. That's just the way I am. This is somewhat of a journal of my journey, so since I am not speaking to an actual person, it is easier for me to express my thoughts. Most of the time I just try not to think about it, but when I do it is soooo hard. I will try contacting someone else who has had to go through this before and maybe I will be able to get through this better.