2 Weeks tomorrow

I will be 2 weeks pp tomorrow. I definitely have been on an emotional rollercoaster lately but I can honestly say that day by day I am improving. For some reason, it's just been hard adjusting back to normal life. My kids have been quite difficult and on top of that my husband and I had an argument which is pretty rare - throw in my hormones on top of that and maybe you could say I've blown things out of proportion but what am I to do?
I am still pumping and I just want to say I don't know why. Guilt maybe? Despite every effort I have made to increase my supply - it hasn't worked. So when I hear about these superproducers, it makes me sad. I just don't understand. I still don't even have enough for a shipment yet but I am hoping soon.
I can't wait until I'm completely emotionally stable again. I think about doing another journey in the future but I think I will wait awhile and truly try to enjoy my time for a bit instead of always having to rush into the next thing. I have to say that I am a pretty intense person and can be a bit obsessive at times. Right now, I don't want to think about being pregnant (although it's hard) but it's what I really need to do right now. I would really like to focus on my kids and help them to thrive as much as possible.

Surprise

Today, as I was trying to take a nap (due to the lack of sleep from constant pumping), my doorbell rang. This is what I received when I opened the door.

This was from my wonderful agency (Growing Generations). That really made my day.

On a different note, last night I was on SMO and I found a post about feelings after giving birth and a very experienced surrogate posted an answer to her question that stated EXACTLY how I feel. This is what she said:

"For me days 3 to 21 postpartum were the hardest. It's a combo of sadness and a "what do I do now?" feeling. Pregnancy/surrogacy has consumed your life for a year and it's hard to remember what you thought of and how you spent you time before. For me, at about 3 months postpartum I really am back to "myself". Between the 3 weeks and 3 months there were good days and bad days but more good than bad.

I have found that both times I'm almost desperate to get another journey going in the first few months postpartum. I would fight against that if I was you. For me, its like I'm trying to start another to fill the hole of time from the previous being over."

I can't wait until I get to that point of being completely "myself" again.

On the pumping front, I started taking supplements today: Fenugreek and Marshmallow root. We'll see how it works. I've decided that I'm going to keep pumping like I am for one more week and if by then I am not producing ounces every time I pump then I will retire my (brand new) pump. I am crossing my fingers.

The Pumping Front

So this pumping thing is ever so slowly starting to drive me crazy. I am only 5 days pp and I am pumping 8-9x per day but only producing less than 1/2 oz. per pump. In the next couple of days I am going to do every trick I have read about to try and increase my supply. No I am not losing my mind and only slightly obsessed with this, I just want to know if I can truly make this work or not. I tried breastfeeding both of my children and could never do it solely without supplementing. If I can't make this work I don't even know if it would be worth it to try again in the future (be it my own or pumping for a surrobaby). I just hear and read all of these stories about women who produce mass amounts of milk and I can't believe it. I do long to be that way but I know I just have to accept my body and what it's capable of doing right?

Baby Grant is born!

So I have to say that baby Grant sure made quite an entrance! It all began on Friday, which was his due date. I went to the Dr. at 3pm (IF’s were with me) and after sitting there for over an hour waiting with anticipation, he finally came in and checked me. He said I was 4cm. I suggested to him that maybe we could induce on Saturday but he wasn’t too thrilled about inducing on Valentine’s Day so he suggested we come back at 7pm and be induced that evening. We all agreed, so I asked if he could just induce me by breaking my water instead of having Pitocin. He wasn’t thrilled because he said if I don’t go into labor that it increases the risk of infection but he decided to check me again and see if I was truly ready. This time apparently I was contracting and he said I was 5cm with a bulging bag – so he agreed. He stripped my membranes for the second time and I was off to get ready. Around 5:30 while I was at home, I started to have some contractions – nothing serious but I knew it was beginning.

We got to the hospital at 7pm and got all set up and the doc came in and broke my water at 7:58pm. He said he was going to leave but he wouldn’t be far at all and he was off. Well of course, things just went crazy from there. I knew I wanted to try not to have an epidural but wanted Fentanyl. At 8:10 I was 7cm and told them to give me the Fentanyl. My contractions were literally on top of each other at which point I was thinking I couldn’t do it. And then lo and behold there was intense pressure, I was fully dilated and told not to push (yeah right) and before they could do anything I was crowning and then he was out. I may have pushed twice. So he was born at 8:24pm. He was delivered by the on-call midwife. My Dr. got there in time to stitch me up. My IF was so much in shock that my husband had to tell him to get up and come see his son (other IF had left thinking he would be back in time – fortunately he didn’t want to be in the room anyway).

Anyway after his fast and furious entrance he looked great, his lungs were great, and he weighed 7 lbs. He is such a cutie! I think I was in a little shock too but was so thankful that the pain was over. I am so glad I didn’t ask for an epidural or it wouldn’t have taken effect until after he was born which would have really sucked. I was so happy to see how happy the new dads are with their baby. Grant looks so much like his daddy - it was perfect.

My IF’s made it home last night around 7pm. The flight sounds like it went pretty smooth. I know they are so happy to be home and begin their new lives as fathers. I am pumping for Grant now - I'm still not getting much but I am not going to get discouraged yet. I don't feel any sadness that I don't have a baby (I'm actually quite thankful). The only thing that makes me sad is to know that the journey is over. I think back on all of the memories I have throughout this whole journey and I can't believe that everything seems to have gone so fast even though it was over a year. I don't know if I will do another journey or not. My plans at this time are to have one more baby of my own and then only time will tell after that. We'll see if my IF's want a sibling for Grant and if so, will it work with my timing.

I just want to say, looking back, that I am very happy that I had the IF's that I did as we got along great and I can't say that I have any regrets. While going through the reduction was hard and wasn't ideal, I can't imagine what the outcome would have been, had I continued the pregnancy with more than one baby.

I can't wait to get back to myself - my body, my mind, my hormones. But I'm not in any rush - I still feel really good about everything and I hope it stays that way. I'm not going to stop posting yet as we'll see if things change and I'll keep updating on how pumping goes, etc. I will leave you with this for now.

I can't believe I'm still here!

So here I am at 39 weeks 4 days. Heading on the same path as with both of my kids - overdue. Of course I'm uncomfortable. I don't think I can any longer sleep in my bed. Last night was horrible. The pain in my pelvis and right leg are unbearable. Now I have a wonderful cold which hit me like a ton of bricks last night (let's just say I hardly slept a wink). Today my stomach has been pretty upset so I have not had the best day. At least I was able to manage. I seriously cannot imagine giving birth in my current state but I don't think it is up to me now. Anyday this little guy will be here whether I like it or not. I'm hoping that if he's not here by Fri. that we will be able to induce on Sat. because I'm done. One of my IF's is out here and so we are ready to rock and roll. I can't wait to be unpregnant!

Almost Done

This little man is almost done! I went in for an appt. on Friday and the Dr. checked me and said I was 3cm dilated. Well, I guess I kind of got excited and maybe got my hopes up that I might actually give birth soon. Well, here we are on Mon. and nothing has happened at all. I spoke with a friend this afternoon and she said with her third child she was dilated to 3cm for 2 months. Oh well - I suppose he will come when he is ready. Here are the pics (not the best, they don't do the items justice) of the things I made for the baby. I would like to do a blanket too but we'll see if I have the time and the patience.







Since we decided to go ahead and do the pumping thing, they bought me a brand new Medela Advanced breast pump - that is so cool. I still can't believe how great they are.

Well, I'm getting excited but I still hold out hope that he will make his way before the 13th because I am going on a field trip to the aquarium that day. Also, I really don't want to go past my due date. Come on baby...