Retirement

I figure I owe it to anyone who may still possibly check this blog occasionally that I am (for now) a retired surrogate. I am not pursuing another journey now and have no plans to in the future. My husband and I are actively trying to have one last child of our own. We haven't had too much luck due to the fact that my cycle still has not resumed with any normalcy. We only plan to try getting pregnant for a few months at which point, if it hasn't happened, we plan to move on. Maybe I'll actually pursue a career, but who knows!? As I've said before, only time will tell what the future holds. As for surrogacy, I'm always happy to talk about it and answer any questions anyone may have. I'm focusing on supporting others rather than being in the action!

Wonderful Trip

My kids and I just got back late last night from our trip to NY/CT. We had a wonderful time. Being able to see the babies again was great...being able to see their daddies again was even better! The babies are now 5.5 months old and I think that was a great age to interact with and be around them. They are really happy, smiley babies which is just perfect!

We had a lot of fun going to the Central Park Zoo, eating at the restaurant Mars 2112, swimming at their pool in CT, and just hanging out and relaxing. D & W told me that they think they are done having children because they are so happy with the twins. D says that he would be so jealous if I ever did a surrogacy for someone else which leads me to my next thought.

If you haven't already gathered, by reading this blog, I am probably the most indecisive person in the world and so I know in my last post I said I was going to pursue another journey, but now I don't think that's the case anymore. I just don't think I have the energy and patience for another journey right now. Maybe if I didn't have to start from the very beginning, I would, but I am so content with what I have done up until now that I already feel like now would be a good time to quit...while I'm ahead! For some ladies, they just feel the urge to keep going (and some seem to have a hard time stopping altogether), but for me I just don't seem to have as strong a passion as I did in the beginning. There are times though, when I get a pang of jealousy when I hear about others highlights in their journeys. With that said, I am happy where I am right now and we'll see what the future has in store for me. I'm not getting any younger so who knows what will happen!

At Long Last...

I've finally come to a decision! I (or more like my husband and I) have decided we are done having kids and with that said, I think I may pursue one final surrogacy journey. I've put so much thought into all of this that it isn't even funny, but I'm happy and finally at peace with my decision. I'm not sure where I will go from here. I will talk with the twins daddies to see if they feel their family is complete - if not, I will do a sibling project and if so, then I will figure where to go from there. I'm in no hurry this time...not nearly as obsessed. I only even want to do this to have one last farewell pregnancy journey and of course, to try and help complete another family. I'm not sure if I will use the same agency that I have in the past...depending on who I'm doing it for and insurance issues, I may move on to another agency. We'll see! I don't feel rushed and I will try to take my time to do it right. Hopefully someone will even take me with delivering the twins at 34 weeks!

Return of Cycle...Finally!

After four long months, my cycle finally decided to resume...while on vacation! At least it was the day before I left to come home and not the day I arrived. Boy did it show up with a vengeance. I don't know if I've ever bled like that in my life! But now it's done and I can rest knowing that I'm somewhat normal again.

Less than a month until we leave for NY. I'm nervous to travel with my two kids alone, but it will be fun and I can't wait to see dads and babies again!

A Visit with the Twins

The tickets are booked for myself and my kids for a trip out to NY and on to CT. I am really excited. The best part is, D said they would pay for the tickets! I knew they were going to help, but not with all of it. This trip really wouldn't have been affordable for us, but I really wanted to go so I'm glad it worked out. I can't believe I will actually see the babies again and also that my kids will finally be able to meet them. What a treat!

Three Months Postpartum

I know it has been a long time since my last post, but I feel I really haven't had much to say so I can update everything in one post. I'll start by talking about my body. I am now 3.5 months postpartum and my cycle still has not resumed. I've already gone in to my OB/GYN for an annual checkup and he said at that visit that if my cycle hadn't started within two weeks of said visit, to call and he could put me on progesterone to jumpstart my period. That visit was almost one month ago and I never called him. I'm not sure if I should take even more hormones (after all those taken for so many IVF cycles) or just let my body attempt to resume naturally. I guess my body has just gone through SO much in the past couple of years that it forgot what it's supposed to do! I posted this question for a doctor on a message board, so I will wait to do anything until I hear his reply.

Next, I've been speaking with D about heading out to CT and possibly NY in July, but plans are not finalized yet. I don't think my husband will be able to join me because he's taking a week vacation in May for our Mexico trip. I'm just wondering if I can handle traveling with my two kids all by myself! I'm sure it would be worth it to see D&W and the babies. :)

Lastly, I just want to say that I've stepped back a bit from all things surrogacy because it has just become a bit overwhelming for me. If you look back and read my blog from the beginning, you'll see that before both surrogacy journeys, I stated that I planned to have another child of my own after each. Well it obviously didn't happen after the first and now that I'm done with my second, I have really tried to do some soul searching to figure out whether or not I wanted to go down that road. My husband and I have discussed this topic at length and I still feel no closer to an answer than I was after birth of the twins. The logical part of me knows that I shouldn't go there, to be happy with the two wonderful kids I've already been blessed with, and just move on with my life. My heart tells me otherwise. I've always wanted three kids and I honestly always thought I'd have three. No matter what I tell myself, that desire just WILL NOT go away. Anyway, there's much more to it than this and I'll say that this has been a daily struggle for me for the past two months. I told D&W that I'd do another journey for them if that was what they chose to do, but the longing for another child will not go away. They have not decided yet what they will do, so I still have a little more time to get this figured out.

With that said, at this point, I haven't had that strong desire (like I did after my first journey) to do another journey. Therefore, I've not been as active in the surrogacy community as I was before to try and help with making a decision. If I haven't come to a decision by summer's end then I think it will have been made for me as my kids are getting older, I'm getting older and maybe it will just be time to move on to the next chapter of my life. As I've said before, only time will tell...

Surgery

So crazy enough, Lily already had surgery today! She is doing good fortunately. I'm guessing that the hernia was bad enough that they had to do the surgery fairly quickly. All I know is that it had something to do with her reproductive system and to prevent damage to her ovaries, the surgery was necessary. I haven't spoken with D to find out any details, all I received were a few texts letting me know what was happening. I'm just thankful she is doing good!

Not Much New!

Haven't said much lately because I don't have much to say. I'm still hovering about five pounds above my pre-pregnancy weight, but it feels so much more than that to me. This last pregnancy coupled with the c-section has completely redistributed my midsection and not in a good way. I will learn to live with it...after all, I have to as there's not much I can do about it now. I have been eating healthier and I did lose about five pounds. I am also becoming much more active, but it's still not enough...I need to be doing more if I'm going to be able to comfortably fit into my pants again.

I speak with D about once a week which is great. I feel like we are old friends. He called today and told about how today was the last day with their baby nurse who they've had since they've been home. They are happy to see her go. I guess apparently they didn't get along too well. They now have a nanny who is a cute 61-year-old lady who is much more laid back. Babies are over nine pounds now. Lily might possibly have a hernia, but they need to make an appointment with a specialist before they will know any more. They've already asked me if I was interested in doing another journey with them, but they need to think about things before fully deciding that's what they want to do. They found out that their previous egg donor is not willing to donate again period. I'm not sure if they will pursue it if the children can't be biologically connected. Only time will tell and we have plenty of it.

The one thing I will miss about the baby nurse is that she was always taking really fun pictures like this one...

Update

Just want to pop in and say that things are going great! After recovering from the flu (horrible) and talking with D a couple of times, I have felt really good for about the past week. I really hope things stay this way too! I feel like I am pretty much out of my post-partum blues funk.

Babies are doing good, daddies are still adjusting, baby nurse is still there, W has gone back to work, still only get pics through Facebook (but I am okay with that now), and lastly, I am so thankful I am not a new parent of twins! C-section scar is still itchy...I really hope it isn't like that forever! I never never want to have another c-section as long as I live. I despise surgery!

I can actually look at other surrogates wherever they are in their journeys and feel happy for them rather than envious. I am so happy where I am right now. I am glad I'm not pregnant at the moment. I still have just under 10 lbs to lose and I'm confident I can do it before we go to Mexico in May. I am glad I can indulge in a glass of wine when I feel like it. I love way I can move about and get exercise and bend over and such. I love that I can play with my kids again! I'm only writing this down so I can remember how I really do love not being pregnant (as much as I love being pregnant). So for the time being, I am just going to keep enjoying things the way they are :)......

Two Peas in a Pod

So sweet...

Happy 2nd Birthday Grant!!

From this...



to this...












I can't believe how far he's come! What an exciting day :) I got him some Thomas toys for his birthday so I hope he enjoys them.


As for how I'm doing...things are much better and worse at the same time. I'm fighting off the flu. I haven't been this sick in years! I can't wait to get better and feel better as my body hurt likes nothing else.

I spoke with D the other night and sure enough he's got tunnel vision and he's not really thinking about much other than the babies right now. My husband and I received two bottles of red wine from D & W the other day (for Valentine's day) so that was simply wonderful. While they are super busy, they are still thinking about me. They haven't completely forgotten about me, they are just trying to get used to their completely changed, but wonderful new life!

I'm almost four weeks post partum and my hormones are definitely started to settle. Once I kick this flu for good, I will start getting back to walking and exercising a bit and I hope that helps my body to feel a bit better. I did some work in the house the other day (before the flu hit) where I was walking up and down the stairs multiple times and boy my legs were very sore the next day! If I do ever go through another pregnancy, I need to not put so many things on hold...like exercise!

Letting Go

Letting go is so hard to do. I'm at that point where I just want to put this journey behind me and move forward with my life. My hormones are making that hard to do, but the more I think about things, the more emotional I get. Top that with the fact that I'm not an optimist by nature (unfortunately).

With the way things had gone during the beginning of the journey and throughout the pregnancy, I really expected things to go differently after the birth. When D and I talked about how the birth would go, he always told me how they would fly home immediately after the birth (well, as soon as they were released). That always made me sad - the thought that they were so eager to get out of here. Things obviously turned out differently and they had to stay a little longer than expected. But here we are three weeks out from the birth and I have received no pictures from them (just the ones posted on Facebook - for everybody) and no word on how they're doing! While I know people are always busy taking care of newborns, I thought that having a baby nurse would make it a little easier on them. Perhaps I should quit making assumptions. I just hate the feeling of being treated like a best friend during the pregnancy to feeling like yesterdays news after the birth. Perhaps thats why I was so irritated during half of the pregnancy...maybe it was a way of protecting myself from dissapointment and hurt - by trying to push them away before they could push me away. I don't know. Regardless, the hurt has set in and I want it to go away and to move on with my life now. It all makes me wonder if doing another surrogacy would really be such a good idea...I hate going through this part!

Home At Last

Babies and daddies have finally made it home. The flight went off without a hitch, babies apparently didn't even make a peep. I wasn't able to say goodbye because they picked up Logan from the hospital and went straight to the airport. Even if they would have had time, I've got a cold so it wouldn't have worked anyway. It just makes me sad because I've now had three surrogate babies...none of which my kids have met. I don't even know if they fully understand what has happened. D said he didn't want a formal goodbye because then he would have gotten sad and cried. Well for me it was the other way around. Because I didn't get to say goodbye - I cried! There's a very real possibility I may never see them again. Oh well, I guess it comes with being a surrogate - you never know what's going to happen! I haven't seen my first surro baby since his birth and at this point I really don't expect to. I'm okay with it though.

In a way I am glad they are gone because it is easier for me to get through my day without thinking about them being here. I'm thinking that day by day the blues are getting less and less (at least I hope!) I'm really looking forward to summer, at which point I think most, if not all, saddness will be gone.

Originally my IF's said they wanted three children. At this point, two might very well be enough. I'd love to do another journey with them. My husband and I are debating whether or no to have another child of our own. This is proving to be the hardest decision I (we) have ever made. Fortunately, we have time to decide, but if we chose against it, there is no turning back. I know that I have at least one more pregnancy left in this body, I just don't know who it will be for!?!?!

37 Weeks

Tomorrow would have marked 37 weeks gestation...a good time for twins to be born. Well, tomorrow Lily will be released from the hospital to go home! Or at least back to the hotel. Everyone is hopeful that Logan will follow within the next couple of days and by this weekend, it is possible that the new family will be going home for good.

I had my two-week postpartum check at the docs office before that. Did I ever say I LOVE my doc. He is the best! He told me I shouldn't have to have another c-section again. My healing is far beyond what he expected. That's great news.

After my appointment I went over to the hospital and spent the rest of the morning with D and the babies. I got to hold and feed Lily (or Tiger Lily as they call her - she's a fiesty little one). It was a lot of fun. D and I then went to lunch and then back to the hotel. We looked through all the baby gear he had...to make sure he had everything he would need. I think he's all set!

I just want to say that it's been great for me to see how wonderful D & W are as parents. If things hadn't worked out this way in the end, I never would have been able to see just how great they are with the babies. It really makes me happy to have had this little extra time with both parents and babies. It's now time to put this journey to rest and move on to the next phase of my life. I don't know what the future holds - only time will tell!

Sweet Babies

Today my family (husband, son, daughter, mom and dad) and I had brunch with my IF's. It was wonderful! I went to the hospital and saw the babies for a few minutes and then we went out to eat. Afterwards we drove around downtown Denver and went to a skate park so my son could ride his skateboard for a few minutes. We then dropped them off at their hotel and we took a mini tour before seeing their room (a top floor suite) and hanging out for a few

Still no word as to when L&L will be released from the hospital. This morning I truly realized how much I am going to miss D&W when they go home! I am really hoping we will be able to make a trip out to CT this summer to visit.

Hormones are still wacky. There are times when I just feel like bursting out crying...and I really don't know why, but I also have my elated moments as well.

I have a two week PP checkup on Wed so I will be able to see the babies again and hopefully D and I will hang out for a bit. Here are a couple of pics from today :)

Feelings

Slowly but surely, I'm beginning to feel my post-partum emotions with guilt being the most prominent. I've read many times about surrogates feeling guilty when their surrobaby(ies) have to spend time in the NICU. Well, now I'm in that boat. I just never thought in a million years that this would happen to me...that I would give birth to premature babies. They were born at 34w5d. I thought they may spend a few days in there, but that's turning out not to be the case. They've been in the NICU and now graduate NICU for one week now. I just found out tonight that they may be in there for another 2-3 weeks! Because I keep hearing how healthy they are, it seems like a long time to have to spend in there.

W had to go home so he could get back to work so D is in the hospital by himself. While he has unlimited help from the doctors and nurses, it's just not the same...and I completely understand. I can't even go to the hospital to help him because I can't drive. I'm not stressing over this, I just wish that there were something I could do to help. I can't imagine being SO far from home for such a long time, all the while worrying about the health of your newborn babies.

I really hope that this is just one last bump in the road. Seriously...what a journey!

The Birth of Lily and Logan

As I said in my last post, on Tuesday I went in to the doctors for another cervical check. At that point I was dilated to a four, so I had made a little progress over the weekend. The doc said at that point that I wasn't going home and I had to go to the hospital to get monitored. If I was contracting then we would be having the babies that day and if I was not contracting then I would have to have an amnio to check for lung maturity and we would have the babies later that day or early the next. Before I went over to the hospital, I called around to find someone to go pick my kids up from school (thanks mom!) From the moment I woke up that morning until then I hadn't had one contraction. So I head over to the hospital and they get me all hooked up to the monitors and low and behold I start contracting...and won't stop. The last that she checked me I had progressed to a five. Doc said at this point that we were going back for a c-section. The c-section got bumped back to 2pm due to another lady needing a more urgent surgery. If that hadn't happened then D wouldn't have made it when he did.

This all happened so quickly that no one was even there with me. I texted my surro-friend Lisa because I knew she had twins right around the same time. She offered to come down and she was the one who was in the OR with me. She helped out more than she even knows!

While all of this was happening, D was still in Aspen, and wasn't scheduled to get back to Denver until about 3pm. Fortunately, he was able to get an earlier flight and thus he only missed the birth by a few min. W was still in New York and despite an ice storm and many cancelled flights, he made it to the hospital by about 8:30 that night.

We went back to the OR and I had a spinal. My BP dropped and I got kind of panicky, but then I was given something and felt kind of drugged. The c-section went very smoothly and at 2:37 Logan was born weighing 5lbs 4oz. Lily was born one minute later at 2:38 weighing 4lbs 12oz. Lisa took all pics so the guys would have something to see from the birth. I went into recovery and then D arrived to be with his babies!

Things have gone well from there on out. Recovery has been a bit difficult, but is going smoothly.The worst part (besides the pain) of having the c-section, was the horrible itching afterwards from the morphine in the spinal. I must have itched for nearly 48 hours. I wasn't able to hold the babies until Thursday, but it was great to be able to. The babies went into the NICU and are now in the graduate NICU. We are not sure when they will be released to go home, but they are healthy and that's what matters the most! Daddies are thrilled and loving every minute. They gave me a pair of beautiful diamond earrings...D said one for each baby!
My milk has started coming in today, I have used an ace bandage to wrap myself so I am a bit uncomfortable, but nothing I can't handle. I've been on pain meds since the beginning so I am doing okay. I will be released tomorrow and I am looking forward to going home - back to the real world again.

Babies are here!

I will post all about it when I feel a little better.

34 Weeks

We had our appointment yesterday along with another NST. Babies are doing great still. Baby A is head almost down, but not quite (if that makes any sense). Doc decided to check my cervix and I am dilated to a three so he wants me back on Tuesday morning to see if anything has changed. If any "progress" has been made, then I will be going in on Wednesday for a c-section. I have only had three contractions (that I've noticed) since Friday, so I don't think anything will happen next week. I'm pretty sure my body will wait another couple of weeks. Fortunately, D is headed up to Aspen for some skiing until Thursday so he won't be too far away...just in case!

I can't believe how close things are getting. I'm starting to lose my ankles and I've had to take off my wedding ring (well, I didn't have to, but it was a bit more comfortable). I'm sure it will all be worth it once these babies are here...it will be so exciting to see them. Oh and by the way, their names will be Lily and Logan :)

Trying So Hard

I am trying so hard to not complain. I'm also trying so hard to keep it together. I'm sick now, with a cold and cough. Not sleeping well anymore. I have NO energy - sometimes just standing makes me winded and my heart pound. The thought of holding on for another 3-4 weeks is almost more than I can bear. I am fully ready to be done. I just don't know how so many people do this all the time. I know it's mostly mental, but I guess I don't feel very strong mentally right now...

33 Weeks, NST today

I had my first NST today and I don't have much to say, but babies both look great, plenty of fluid, and I'm really not contracting. D is coming out next week for our appointment on the 14th at which point I will have another growth U/S and I believe another NST. I guess it's good that things are boring for the time being!

Oh Man...

I seriously feel like I'm going to explode. I really don't feel like I can make it another five weeks. And yet I have had NO signs of impending labor. AAAAGGGGHHHHH!!!
Also, have I said how uncomfortable I am?