One Thing Missing...

I just had to say that although I had a Wonderful Christmas, there was just one thing missing. I got no card or e-mail or phone call...nothing from my first IF's. I did send them a Christmas card, but got nothing in return. Oh well, it's not the end of the world, it just would have been nice.

This year is just about over. Time to start a new one and a good one it will be!

Wonderful Christmas

What a wonderful Christmas I had...and it had nothing to do with the gifts I received. I just had such a great time with all of my family and it has been so nice having a long extended weekend during which my husband did not have to work. My IF's got me a beautiful Tiffanys bracelet and a Harry and David food package for the family. That was very nice (thanks guys!)

One more week and then back to reality. I haven't been thinking about the upcoming transfer as much as I usually do. It's been so nice to have the distraction lately. I'm sure time is going to go by really fast now and before I know it I will be back in LA with my legs up in the air...again.

With the peace and calmness that has come over me lately, I really feel that this next transfer is going to be our lucky one. I'm not as stressed nor worried this time around. I've got a good feeling about this one!

Calendar Officially Received!

I finally received my calendar yesterday. Looks like ER will be on 1/24-1/26 and then transfer will be on 1/29-1/31. Will know exact day as it gets closer. I am so happy to have dates now.

Looks like my daughters home preschool teacher is now on her way to becoming a surrogate also...how awesome. She will be working with a local agency (smart girl) so I'm pretty sure she will have local IP's. Hopefully we will transfer within a month or two of each other so we will be preggo together.

On a final note, IF said he Fed-exed me something that will arrive on Monday. Very excited to see what it is. I will update then. Now I'm off to do more shopping.

Emotional

BCP's make me so emotional - one reason I don't take them as a method of birth control. There have been some very promising outcomes on SMO lately that have to do with possible miscarriages and slow rising betas. I read how all of these ladies have gone in for ultrasounds and they have seen heartbeats. One girl is even pregnant with twins. That makes me so happy for them, but at the same time it makes me so upset when I think about what has happened with my past two tries. I don't want to say it's unfair, but I don't know what else to call it. I wish so bad that I could walk away from everything surrogacy related for a while, but I can't. Most of the time, I appear to be holding up really well. Just yesterday, the agency psychologist called and everything was good. It's amazing how feelings can change so quickly. Every now and then, I can't help but think about what will happen if this next transfer fails. Of course, I want to finish what I've started, but I seriously don't know if I can handle another failure.

I want the gods to know that I'm not taking fertility for granted anymore, I've learned my lesson and I'd like to move on now. Why, oh why, does this have to be so damn emotional. And why can't I just relax and go with the flow.

Also, tonight my agency is having another monthly conference call between surrogates. It typically lasts for about an hour. Last month when I was on the call, I hung up halfway because I couldn't stand to hear about all of the things the other (pregnant) surrogates were going through. I was kind of upset. That was the time that I was still waiting to pass everything so I was also very emotional then too. Anyway, I hope tonight goes better and maybe I can make it through the whole call, and maybe not...we'll see.

Still waiting on any word as to what's going on.

Nothing New

So we're all here just waiting around for the egg donor to start her cycle before we can get our highly anticipated calendar. I was under the impression that was supposed to happen last week, but no such luck. As for now, being on bcp's sucks for me because the hormones make my attitude irrational. The littlest thing makes me so mad that sometimes I can hardly stand it. I could go on and on about that, but I'm so tired of dwelling on it. I'm looking forward to Christmas, but I really can't wait for next month.

Round 3...Bring it On

Okay, so even though we have a while to go, we officially begin round #3 today. My beta on Monday was down to 5 and my progesterone and estradiol are normal so I start bcp's tonight to sync my cycle with egg donor. Once she starts her period (which should be next week) then we will get a calendar! Wahoo. I just have so much more faith that this time the transfer will work. If it doesn't work, I will finally be officially devastated (as will my IF's). We are hoping for twins, but will take any success we can get.

We will be transferring 2 fresh 5 dayers (I'm pretty sure). This next transfer, I will do everything in my power to only test once...8dpt and only with a digital test. I only want to know if I'm pregnant or not. I don't want to see how dark the line is. I say this this and hope I can hold myself to it. I just can't handle the obsession with POAS that I had last time. I know there is a possibility that a digital could be positive with a chemical, but I don't want to be spending so much money on the tests when the beta will tell me whether or not I'm pregnant.

I'm hoping we could do an early January transfer, but I'll take whatever as long as it's January. If you read this blog, please do a small prayer for us as we all really need some success right about now. I do plan on getting some sort of fertility charm or jewelry...I'm just looking for the one that really stands out to me. I'll update as soon as I hear some new news (good I hope).

No Shot Needed

My beta on Friday came back at 67 and today at 21. As you can see it is dropping nicely. They still want me to go back, yet again, next Monday to have it checked for *hopefully* the last time. Since I'm not familiar with fresh transfers, I'm not exactly sure what the next steps are. I'm pretty sure I will start bcp's with my next cycle (which I hope will be sometime in December) and then we will go from there. Not much to do now but sit around and do some thumb twiddling. Thank God that we have some holidays coming up for some pretty good distraction.

Also, I talked with B on Saturday and it sounds like Grant is an overall perfect child in their eyes. They are so proud of him. That couldn't make me happier. I asked if they were thinking of making Grant a big brother and they have no plans for that right now, but it's not out of the question. That would be nice to see him in person one of these days...as I haven't seen him since he was born!

Confirmation

IF's have "confirmed" the donor. They were somewhat pressured into making the decision, but I think they're happy with that decision. I go back for another beta tomorrow and apparently, if it hasn't dropped to the doctors liking, I may have to take a methotrexate shot. I don't feel that's necessary and I'm hoping that won't be the case, but I'm feeling like the pressure is on me because my cycle needs to hurry up and get back to normal.

The donor needs to be done by January 15 because she is an actress and she can't be bloated for pilot season which is apparently in February. Well, I don't know if my body is going to be ready to sync with hers. There is nothing I can do to make my cycle hurry up. Don't get me wrong, I do want a January transfer, but I can't guarantee anything. Anyway, taking methotrexate just doesn't sound healthy to me and I'd really like to avoid it if I can. Listen to what I found, "In the case of early missed miscarriage (particularly a blighted ovum), in which fetal demise has occurred but the body has not expelled the fetus, methotrexate may be used to help the body begin the miscarriage process." Well, I've already miscarried so how could it help me now????

The guys are really set on a fresh transfer...so I hope I'm not the one to ruin that for them, but you know - it is what it is and whatever happens, happens.

HCG Falling

On Friday my hcg was 1,023 and today it fell to 339. Good, but not zero yet so back for more blood on Friday. We're on our way with getting the new egg donor. I feel pretty good about transferring in January so I won't be pregnant through the holidays.

I'm feeling pretty good now, pretty happy. Time to focus on my body for the time being. Need a strong healthy body for the next transfer.

I Thought the Day Would Never Come (TMI post)

After an excruciating week of horrible morning sickness, my body finally decided to realize that there was not really a baby in the uterus after all. I began bleeding lightly yesterday and by very early this morning (like 4am) I began losing clots. Just a couple hours later, I was losing a lot of blood (with clots). I was getting really light headed, but everything turned out okay. I went through about 6 overnight pads this morning alone. The bleeding had lightened up quite a bit and I'm feeling much better. The cramping was very noticeable, but nothing I couldn't handle. With the morning sickness over, my appetite returned with full force...and I wanted to try and begin some sort of diet today (yeah right!)

I spoke with the doctors office today and I was told to go in for a follow up beta on Friday. D and I talked on the phone for awhile last night and I'm not sure at this point whether they have a new donor or not...that is turning into quite a sticky situation right now, but we have time. It looks like we will not be doing another transfer until January - and I'm okay with that. No worries over the holidays and time for my body to recoup.

This whole entire second journey has not been anything I could have ever imagined. I feel very close to D after everything we've been through which I'm happy about. It's just been so hard with all the loss and the time we've put into all of this. I'm almost 33 and D and I have discussed that not long after this first journey is done, they don't want to wait very long before trying again. If we keep having failures then time keeps getting pushed back further and further. I know it's what I want to do, it's just hard...I'm not getting any younger and my body is just not in the shape it used to be - like when I was pregnant with my first. I just hope I can handle it. I keep telling myself that I want to get healthy, but can't seem to push myself into doing something about it. If only I could get stronger mentally...

No Such Luck

My U/S revealed an empty sac. I'm surprisingly calm for having received such news. Maybe it just hasn't hit me yet...I don't know. I haven't spoken with the RE's office yet, but I am glad to have an answer and I am ready to move on. I hope that whatever the future brings...we are successful. It's time to focus on my family right now (daughter was diagnosed with autism on Wednesday) and move on with surrogacy when the time comes. I hope this pleasant mood I'm experiencing right now stays with me. Will update when I hear anything new.

Tomorrow's the Big Day

And I am feeling pretty good about it. I have been having numerous pregnancy signs such as a horrible migraine headache yesterday, nauseousness, and I can't stand the smell of maple syrup - which only happens when I'm pregnant. I took another pregnancy test (silly, I know) and it said without a doubt - pregnant. In fact, the line showed up before the control line. But, I wonder if all of this could still happen with a blighted ovum??? I will pray again tonight that we see a heartbeat tomorrow. RE gave us a 50/50 chance which doesn't seem that good to me. My IF's don't seem to have a lot of faith, but I still do. If we don't see a baby in that sac tomorrow, I won't have a lot of faith left in my body.

I just want to note for records sake, that I had not one single pregnancy symptom when I had the miscarriage - ever. This pregnancy, whether successful or not, I have had nearly all the symptoms I had during my first surrogacy so...we'll see what happens!! I'll update tomorrow.

We've Got Something...

U/S revealed a sac. The tech could not see anything in it, but that's okay because it is still very early - I'm 5w3d today. So, of course, I go back on Monday for another U/S. If we see a heartbeat - fantastic, if not, we may have a blighted ovum. Please pray we see a heartbeat.....

Now for more waiting.

Monday Can't Come Soon Enough

I am still having cramping in my abdomen so I'm still praying that nothing goes wrong, but I feel somewhat safe saying it's not just a chemical pregnancy. Check this out...

It's about darn time that my line became as dark as the control line. I can honestly say that I will be shocked if I go in for my U/S on Monday and she tells me positive news. Every night I have U/S dreams. Talk about time dragging on. It's one thing to have to wait until the beta (2WW) but it's another to have to wait for an U/S that will tell you whether or not you have a viable pregnancy. This is seriously killing me. Aaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhh.

Still Rising

My beta number went up to 286 today. Still can't say I'm feeling great about it all. I've been having a very unusual somewhat crampy feeling in lower abdomen. No blood so that's good, but my fear is ectopic pregnancy. I have an U/S appointment on Monday 10/19 to see if this is a viable pregnancy. I'm hoping to make it that far this time considering we did not last time. I'm hoping for the best, but expecting the worst. It's not that I'm being pessimistic, I'm just trying to be realistic.

Cautiously Optimistic

Well my beta jumped to 130 which nobody expected. I (of course) have to go back in on Monday for yet another beta. That might be the "make it or break it" beta. Of course we are hoping for it to continue to rise, but will not be shocked if it tumbles. Here's to the power of prayer!!

Holy Hormones

My hormones are getting the better of me today. I seriously feel like I could pull my hair out. I'm so mad, but I have nothing to really be mad at. Even though this pregnancy might not work out...I can tell I'm pregnant. I've had all the symptoms that I had with my first surrogacy. The little embryo in there right now must be struggling to survive. My pregnancy test was even darker today. I don't still hold a lot of hope for this pregnancy, but at least there is a teeny fighting chance. Will know more tomorrow.

Not Feeling Optimistic

Beta came back today - low at 48. Doesn't mean we're out, but doesn't look very promising either. Looks like another chemical pregnancy looming on the horizon for D&W. I feel like we just can't win. I thought for sure that the 3rd time would be a charm (not my third try, but theirs). Anyway, back to the lab on Saturday to see where the numbers are heading.

Got a Positive

The same day as my last post, I got a positive pregnancy test. Unfortunately, while seeing that does make me happy, I can't seem to shake the feeling that it might be a chemical pregnancy. My tests don't appear to be getting any darker. Add that to the fact that my IF's have already had a chemical in the past. My beta is on Thursday, so I hope to have an idea of where we are heading. Saying prayers every night...

Day 6 and Still Negative

I have decided to take a break from all things surrogacy for a while. My beta is scheduled for Thursday, but I am expecting a negative beta. I know a miracle could still happen, but they simply don't happen to me - never have. I don't know where we will go from here...these 3 embryos we just transferred were D&W's last. I am extremely depressed right now - the hormones don't help and I still have to take them for another 4 days. I am more sad now than I was with the miscarriage because at least we could move on and quickly from that, but now any option we have will take quite a long time - if they decide to still work with me. I am now one step closer to looking like a surrogate that nobody wants to use - which has always been my biggest fear.

I honestly never thought I would end up here.......

Gotta Love Bedrest

Transfer of 3 excellent quality embryos completed yesterday. On bedrest today. Leaving LA tomorrow to go home and be with my wonderful family. Beta to come on Oct. 8. Feeling good for now!

Getting Excited!

Alright, I have to admit that I'm getting a little excited. Although I'm a bit reserved because I'm nervous about going through another unsuccessful transfer (or pregnancy). In the September group on SMO, there hasn't been much success at all - I'm really surprised. It's just hard to think about all that goes into an IVF transfer. Not simply the money, but the time and effort on every side.

I am just planning on going and enjoying myself. Try to do some nice relaxing. I don't feel that I have as much stress awaiting me when I get home this time so that will help as well. I have a conference call through the agency the day after the transfer so I looking forward to that - I love having surrogate resources.

I started my progesterone shots last night. Back to the good old shots instead of straight suppositories. I'm hoping that the shots will better my chances for success this time.

I leave on Sunday - so we're all getting excited!!

Moving Right Along

Tomorrow I have my lining check and if all is well, I will start my progesterone injections. With this last try, I didn't do the prog. injections, but the suppositories instead. With my last journey, my behind got so bad that I felt like I had numerous mosquito bites back there. Oh well, the price we pay right?

I will be leaving for LA one week from today for my second transfer. Praying for the best!!

Here We Go Again

I had my E2 level checked again today and the official news is that I start my meds tonight! Tentative transfer date on September 28th. The guys are excited, as am I. I thought for sure it would be sometime in October, but we just happened to get bumped up to September. I am only thinking positive thoughts this time. I am absolutely positive this will work. I am so excited to become pregnant again - I have been having withdrawls lately. Yes, I am obsessed! I absolutely cannot wait. C'mon baby.

No Clue

I have absolutely no idea what is going on with my body! I have been spotting for 6 days now. I was kind of hoping it would turn into something, but even if it had, that still would have been too early. I was praying for my cycle to start mid-September - now I have no clue as to when AF will arrive.

I called the RE office to ask if this is normal and was told to go have my estradiol level checked. I'm hoping to hear back by the end of the day as to what's going on. At this point, I still feel pretty safe about making an October transfer. All I can say is, this is so frustrating. I just want to move on!! If this next transfer doesn't work, I don't know what I'll do.

Enough ranting, I will update when I know more.




I heard back from the nurse and she said my Estradiol level is 58 which is too high. I will go back for a repeat check on Tues. to see if my level goes up or down. Hopefully at that point I will have a better idea as to what is going to happen. Seriously body, c'mon...

Looking Like October

I spoke with D yesterday and after talking with the doc. we learned that we will only need to wait for one cycle before starting meds again. That should put us in early October for our next transfer. I am expecting my cycle to begin around mid-September so I still have around a month. My hcg was still at nine on Monday so I am hoping it's reached zero now.

D and I are both superstitious people and I feel that this last transfer, I just set myself up for dissapointment. After my successful first transfer with my FIF's, I think I took for granted that it would automatically work this time around. I never thought that something bad would happen and we had a m/c. This seems to happen to me each time. The first time I never expected that I would need to go through a reduction, although I had written agreement that I would, and this time, I expected everything to work wonderfully. Well, I'm hoping that next time, if something unexpected were to happen, that I will be able to deal with it better.

All I really want to say is that I am truly hoping for the best next time and I pray that we will have success. Please let October be our month.

One Year Ago Today...

Was the day I had the reduction - two perfect angel babies sent to heaven. I think the hardest part thinking back on this now is that I am still struggling with the fact that I had a miscarriage and I am not pregnant right now. My new IF's would give anything to have one healthy baby. They would be over the moon if they were blessed with two, so it's difficult to think that while some would do anything for a baby, others could make such a decision as to take a baby's life. I can't pass judgement because I still love and respect my FIF's, but I still think about the choice they made and how much it hurts.

I'm somewhat stressed now as I fear the uncertainty of the future. I wish I wasn't one to dwell on what hasn't happened yet, but I'm so afraid of the upcoming transfer. I'm so afraid of it failing again. I would be so devastated if a series of failed transfers prevented me from ever being a surrogate again. I'm really trying to keep in mind to have a positive attitude that this next transfer will be a success, but I think I'm still a little down about this recent loss.

Officially Over

So this cycle is officially over. My beta today was down to the 900's from the 3000's. I am sad, but I'll get over it. This whole experience really leaves me with a less optimistic outlook. I want so badly for this to work because I love the relationship I have with my new IF's. I know that everybody wants that though - nothing new. I am really trying to not feel sorry for myself, but I know it will take just a little time to get out of this slump. There are so many reasons (some pretty silly) for my anger. I'm not going to get into them, but that's the reason it will take time. Right now, I can't even say that I am excited about the next cycle, probably because there is so much I have to go through before we will even get to that point. I'm sure I will feel differently the closer it gets.

Anyway, I stopped my meds and unfortunately since it was just a partial miscarriage, I still have more to go. I'm just really hoping it won't be super painful. If it doesn't happen on it's own then I will have to go in for a D&C. I just want to put this behind me and move on - it's all I can do.

Still Waiting (tmi post)

I'm still waiting for the official confirmation to quit my meds and such. The U/S tech said, "It doesn't look good", but we still don't have the official report - should be in today sometime. My beta was at 3636 and should be in between 4-5,000. I need to go back in tomorrow to retake it. I have a feeling it is already beginning to drop. This whole process is so disheartening. I just felt like everything was going so well and then *BAM* just like that it could be over. I bled for about 6 hours on Sunday and passed 3 large and 2 small clots. I knew it would be over, but I still held out hope as I've spoken with other ladies that have gone through the same exact thing and they are still pregnant or have given birth. When the U/S tech said it didn't look right in there, I knew there was nothing to hold out hope for anymore. I'm just waiting for it to be official. I can't believe that we have to do this all over again after who knows how much time.

Where We Stand

I am getting ready to leave for my U/S and bloodwork to see what the results are after yesterday's unfortunate event. Right now I have no idea where we stand. I am thinking for sure that I definitely had some kind of miscarriage, but I am still holding out hope that maybe just one passed and there might still be one fetus remaining. I don't know. I will update when I do.

Not Good

I think I'm having a miscarriage. :(

Second Time

This morning was the second time I have woken up and found blood. Mind you it is a very small amount, but I think I will let the Dr. office know this time. We have our U/S scheduled for Friday morning. Both D & W are coming out for this first appointment. We will have dinner on Thursday night. Go to the appointment on Friday morning with lunch afterwards and then they will fly back home. I know I'm still pregnant because, of course, I had to buy a test to make sure - and the line was beautiful. I just can't wait to know what's going on in there. Now, I need to get back to my book - last one and I'm done with the series. Yay, now I just have to wait for the movies!!!! I can't wait to see Edward again :)

Big Day

Well, today was the big day and..........my beta is 310! I am 10dp5dt. We won't know how many are in there until the U/S on 7/31. We transferred 2 and we are thinking that both stuck, but only time will tell. We are all very excited whatever the outcome.

Grant growing up!!

I don't even know what to say. ADORABLE! I am so happy to have been a part of this.

I spoke with one of my new IF's today and he asked if I tested, so I told him YES, I am pregnant. He couldn't even speak he was so emotional. I was happy to have been the one to tell him. I sent him a picture of a BFP test and hopefully he will show that to the other IF and that's how he will find out they are going to have a baby. Here's the pic that I sent - it's a $ tree cheapie!

Thursday is "The Day"

Thursday I will get up early and go in first thing to the lab to have my blood drawn. I have gotten BFP's on all the test's I have taken since day 5 so I'm dying for numbers now. I have not spoken with my IF's since the day after I got home so they have no idea. I can't tell them anyway - they don't want to know. Not until Thursday that is. I'm hoping for twins but will be very pleased with just one. I just truly hope to be the one to make their dreams come true! I'll post when I know more. I'll try to post a pic of a BFP but I'll have to get a good one first.

In the Dreaded 2 Week Wait!!

First off, I have to apologize for my last post. I realized some time later that it was simply hormones. Secondly, I want to say that my transfer trip was wonderful! I was able to get to know my new IF's much better (especially since we have hardly had any time at all) and I really like them. I think I will be much closer to them (well, at least one of them for sure) than I was with my last IF's. After arriving and getting settled into the hotel, we went out to dinner at Mr. Chow's. That was a fun restaurant. We watched many movies, talked quite a bit, and I started reading Twilight. The transfer went off without a hitch. We transferred two nearly perfect embryos - one from each father. W left the afternoon of the transfer. After 36 hours of bedrest D and I went out to eat at the Ivy. That was awesome and it was a perk to see Nicolette Sheriden a few tables away from us. We went out to breakfast the next morning and left for the airport shortly after that.

The trip was made a bit more interesting with all of the Michael Jackson hoopla going on very near us. Overall, it was a great trip and I'm dying here now because it's so hard waiting. I told them I was going to test at home, but whatever the results, I won't tell them - they'd rather wait to find out officially. Unfortunately, I can't wait that long. My first beta will be on Thursday 7/16 so I hope time will go by relatively fast. Oh, and I'm keeping my fingers crossed!! I will update, but until then I will leave you with this - a picture of the wonderful gift that my wonderful IF's got for me ......

Transfer #1 with IF's #2

I'm leaving in about 2 hours to head to the airport. I haven't even packed yet. I'm just not very excited right now. I feel down in the dumps and don't know why. Maybe once I get out of here I will get more excited. I guess the reason I'm not happy could have something with the way my last few days has gone. I wanted this trip to be perfect and it's already turning out to be horrible (in my eyes). I tried to dye my hair !disaster! - now my hair is practically black (really dark brown). I went and got my hair cut - I hate it. So I look awful and I feel awful. I have a sinus infection, but at least my jaw doesn't hurt from it like it did yesterday. I felt like I had a toothache! On my flight out there, I sit in the very last row and I swear that I will throw a fit if they make me check my bag - it is a full flight. I hate the airlines because I sit in the very last row, but yet I don't get to board the plane until the very last because I'm seating 4. That pisses me off! And then, when I get to LA, there will be no one to pick me up! I didn't get any cab vouchers like I was told I would (remind you that I used to get picked up by a limo service - guess the agency is making cutbacks) so I have to pay for cab out of my own pocket. At least I will be reimbursed.

So anyway, my expectations are already set for this trip. I hope so much that I can pick myself up out of this and try to have a good time. Either way, I'll let you know when I get back.

Losing My Mind

I am so dumb. I didn't even realize that I was supposed to have bloodwork done yesterday! I did my U/S but not the bloodwork. I got home and had an e-mail (she called also) from the Dr. office asking for a number so they could follow up. Crap!! Well, I got up first thing this morning, went to the hospital and had my blood drawn. They said it would only take an hour for the results, but I'm just hoping that my stupidity isn't going to sabotage the transfer.

Okay, just got off the phone with the nurse and everything is looking GREAT. Woo Hoo. And, I just got my transfer time of 7:15 am on Monday. Oh man, I am excited. I can't believe that there is a possibility that I might be pregnant next week!!!!

Gearing Up

I went in for my lining check today and it's lookin' good - measuring 12 (good between 8-12). I start my Prometrium and Endometrin today. No progesterone shots for me this time because they say I had an allergic reaction last time so it would be the same this time around. I can't believe I only have 5 days until the transfer. I don't know if I mentioned before that I have only met one of the two IF's. I will finally meet the second when we fly out for the transfer. They are flying out one day earlier than me and then when I arrive, we will spend some time together and go out for dinner. I am really looking forward to it!!

16 Days

Until the transfer. I started meds on Thursday, got my calendar yesterday, and found out the transfer is July 6. Contracts are not signed and I don't even have contact information for my IF's. Things are so weird, but no less exciting. I just silently pray that this whole journey goes smoothly with a positive outcome. I know that everyone wishes that, but with as fast as things are going, I am just in the unknown right now. WOW is all I can say. :)

Superfast

That's the pace we're moving at now. I am starting meds tomorrow - can you believe that? I was officially matched on Friday and now, less than one week later, I will be starting meds. It wasn't exactly easy though. The girl I spoke with at the Dr.'s office told me to start on birth control and I was thinking, "I've been on that for 3 months now, I don't want to continue with that and have to wait 5/6 more weeks until the transfer." So I told her that Dr. S said he wanted me to start my meds as soon as my cycle started. He even asked me if I still had some left over from last time (but unfortunately I don't). So she called the pharmacy and asked them how soon they could get me the meds and that turns out to be tomorrow! I still don't have my official calendar yet so I don't know when the transfer will be, but we're moving right along now. Yea!!

Back From NYC

And everything went great. We were only able to meet one IF so it would have been great to meet him also, but at least we were able to speak with him. The meeting was lead with Stuart Miller, one of the CEO's of Growing Generations. So that was pretty cool. After the meeting, we went to a great Italian restaurant and talked for a long time. Then we walked. Also for a long time. I didn't even need to use the hotel gym because we got so much exercise walking. Well, today we went to Central Park, which is amazing, and we rented bikes and rode our butts off. I wish I knew how many miles we raked in over the last two days! A lot, I'm sure.

Anyway, I am now officially matched and I have no idea how fast or slow things will move from here. I am excited and happy to be moving forward and at this point I am quietly praying for the best.

I will leave you with a pic of the little cutie who turns 4 months tomorrow. Isn't he so cute?

We're Outta Here

We're leaving early tomorrow morning. Thanks to my mom for watching the kids while we're gone. So excited to be going to New York. Wish us luck...

And So It Begins...

My hair falling out that is. I thought that maybe, just maybe, my body would just be nice to me and let me keep my hair. I even cut it all off in hopes that since it was shorter it would, for some reason, stay on my head. But no, my hair decided that it just doesn't want to be with me any longer. It's falling out left and right. And, I haven't even stopped taking prenatals (although I did stop the fish oil pills).

On a lighter note, my husband and I are going to NEW YORK next Thursday for the match meeting. We are both totally thrilled. I just assumed that the meeting would take place in LA but no, it's going to be in New York. Neither of us have ever been there so that's why we are so excited. That's where my new PIF's are from. I was told today that they are really ready to rock 'n roll so that is great news. It's looking like we might be transferring in July. Woo Hoo! I'm just so happy how everything is moving along.

Screenings Done (and no I'm still not crazy)

I'm glad to say I once again passed my screenings with ease. I feel like things are a bit of a whirlwind after this trip to LA. Dr. S is so eager to move forward that in his mind he has the transfer date for June. I find this highly unlikely as I'm not even truly "matched" yet. I also have a feeling that things aren't exactly going to be moving along fast any time soon. Oh well, I know how the waiting game works and I'm actually pretty used to it by now. I will definitely post if I ever hear any update. Next is the match meeting and I am really looking forward to that (I just hope it ends successfully). Until then I am going to go twiddle my thumbs... :)

And So it Begins

One week from today I will be heading to LA for my screenings. I am excited to get the ball rolling and at the same time thrilled that I will have some alone time (I have only had a few hours alone from my kids in the past six months - maybe this will get me caught up. I need to miss them again). I am most looking forward to finding out a potential time line for the rest of this journey. I'm still pretty sure I will transfer in August, but I'd like to hear that from the Dr. Anyway, can't wait!!!!

Back to the Good Old Waiting Game

Oh how I don't miss the waiting... But I do savor the anticipation of what's to come. Right now I am waiting for my cycle (period) to come and then we can finally begin. It's looking like mid-June that I will fly out to LA for screenings (ugh) and then some more waiting before the match meeting - which I can't wait for. And then, of course, even more waiting before the transfer. I have been told that the Dr. wants 6 months between birth and next transfer so I'm thinking it won't be until August until we will transfer. Now all of this is if everything goes according to plan. Hopefully I will pass my screening (you never know) and hopefully the match meeting results in a match or else there will be no transfer. I am really looking forward to everything and have to say that this is just one of the numerous reasons I love being a surrogate!

Moving Along

So I'm a little late in posting, but I heard back from my IF's and they are completely supportive of me moving on in another journey. I just have to say that I am so happy to be a part of their lives. They are truly great (and fun) people. I haven't received any new pics lately, but I know they have been really busy with work and traveling and such.

So now, for my new journey (that feels so weird to say), I have filled out my application, received my next profile, and been approved for insurance. I still have yet to fly to LA for my screenings, attend the match meeting, and do the actual transfer. I am really looking forward to meeting these new guys. Waiting until August for the transfer (provided we get that far) is going to feel like an eternity to me. I try to remind myself every day not to take for granted the fact that I got pregnant on the first try last time. I need to remember that I may not be so lucky this time around but to keep positive that I will. I am a little excited about the trips out to LA again because it will be nice to have some time to myself.

No Word

So I sent my FIF's an e-mail on Thurs. letting them know what my plans were and I still haven't heard anything from them. I hope I haven't overstepped my boundaries. I am going to take no word as they are cool with it because my agency called and I told them it was a "go". They already sent my profile to the new guys and apparently they are excited to work with me. As it stands now we will probably be shooting for an August transfer (they say RE wants at least 6 months since the last birth). Well, all I can say is I'm super excited!!!

Things are moving so fast!

Okay, so I filled out the application online last night through my agency, and today I now a new profile in my inbox. These new IF's look great but I HAD to e-mail my FIF's to let them know what I was thinking and kind of ask for their blessing. I will really miss them and I want to have a lifelong friendship with them so I don't want them to feel like I wasn't thinking of them. I'm sure I've said before that ideally I would want to work with them again but I don't think they're ready and so I want to be sure. I will wait for them to respond before I give the okay to my agency for the new PIF's. We'll see what happens!

Decisions...

I have really been struggling over the past few weeks whether or not I want to do another surrogacy now or not. I have questioned whether or not to have another baby of my own but have come to the decision that right now is not the time to do so. My daughter is struggling with speaking - meaning that she's not speaking at all. She is about 22 months now and still no words. I have been working with her so much lately for what seems to me like no progress. I will admit that I get very discouraged sometimes. Hopefully we will get her in for a specialized hearing test next month and then we go from there.

Anyway, I decided that I would like to do another journey and I don't even know if I can explain all of the thoughts that have been running through my head but I will make a feable attempt. First, ideally I would love to do it for my FIF's again, but I contacted them and basically right now it's too early to even know if they will want another baby (which I completely understand). I've thought about doing it for new IP's but I have to say I'm nervous about matching with new people simply because I've heard of so many horrible journeys. I was agonizing over whether or not to go indy, switch agencies (only due to the traveling aspect), choose IP's or go with IF's again. This has consumed my brain for the past few weeks.

Why so soon you ask? I will be honest. I am a SAHM mom and my husband works his butt off and isn't home all that often. He barely brings home enough for us to pay our bills now that the economy has taken the downturn. I can't go out and get a job because we can't afford childcare, I could do daycare from our house but I didn't enjoy it much the last time I did that. Essentially, I need to supplement our income or at least finish getting our debt paid off. Why not do that by doing something I do enjoy (surrogacy) which will also give the most incredible gift to another couple? It's what I want to do. I love being pregnant - sure I complain sometimes. Who doesn't? Am I doing this just for the money - hell no, but is the money important - you betcha. Got a problem with this? Sorry because it's not mine. I'm just trying to provide someone with a family while trying to provide for my family at the same time. I really think this is an issue that is so taboo but I need to be honest with others to be honest with myself.

I contacted my first agency to see what the process would be going in for a second round. Word spread and instead of me contacting them, they contacted me. So now I'm really considering it, although it looks like I will have to start from scratch - meaning I even have to fill out the application again. They say they already have a really good match for me. Is that true? I don't know but I am kind of curious to find out.

So here I am, on the brink of beginning my second surrogacy journey. The only hope I have is that it will be as good as the first and that I can once again give the gift of life to a special and deserving family.

I did it

I shipped my last shipment of milk to Grant on Wednesday. And so it is done! I can't believe it. I feel so free. So I had to do it - I asked my FIF's if they were planning on having another baby. I know, I know, it is way early to even think about that but my mind is always planning away. Anyway, they said their plan was always to have 2 children but it is too early to know what their plans are right now. What does that mean to me? I think we will have another of our own next. We will probably start trying toward the end of the summer and see what happens.

Here is the latest on the growing baby front!

Weaning

It has been awhile since my last post and things are going good. I feel so much more like myself now (thank God) and I am finally starting to wean off of pumping. I actually slept through the night for the past two nights and it is wonderful. I'm down to 3 pumpings a day and I'm hoping to be done within the next week. It looks like Grant's daddies are having a good time being parents so that makes me happy - they are great people. I just can't say how happy I am to be back to normal. Toward the end of the pregnancy, my face started to look terrible with a red rash and now it is finally beginning to clear up. The only thing that will suck about my hormones returning to normal is that I expect to start losing alot of hair pretty soon. Also there is one thing that will suck about stopping pumping and that is that my boobs will shrink back to normal size - I sure do wish they would stay this size all the time. Oh well. There is an SMO GTG in the first weekend of April and although I am no longer an active surrogate, I still want to catch up on all of the other ladies journeys. Here's one of the latest baby pics!

Putting it All Behind Me

I started working on a scrapbook today to document my surrogacy. I want to have something that I can look back on to make me smile. This journey was such a huge part of my life and I want to remember it forever. With that said, it is also something that I need to put behind me for now. I know I would like to pursue another journey in the future but for the time being, I want to get my life back to some form of pre-surrogacy normalness. Therefore, as soon as I complete my scrapbook, I am also going to put pumping to rest. I am hoping to complete everything within the next week. I think this will all help me to move on and forward with my life.

Ups and Downs

I have to say that I have been having some serious up and downs lately. I can't wait until these hormones settle down. One day will be the worst day for me and the next I can feel totally elated. Unfortunately, my thoughts are still constantly on being pregnant. After doing a lot of reading, it appears that this can be a common thing amongst surrogates. I've been finding it difficult to keep my mind occupied with other things. I have joined facebook and that has been fun. I really can't wait until the weather changes (although it really has been pretty nice lately) and I can get out and do some camping. I need to get away from the computer and get back to nature. I'm hoping that will help. Next Friday will one month since Grant was born and around this time is when I plan to begin weaning myself from pumping. I really think I need to get my life back in check and I think this may help with my hormones and all. Today is a happy day and I'm so thankful - I hope to have more and more of these in the upcoming future. :)

First shipment

I sent my first shipment of milk out yesterday via UPS and received a call from B this morning saying that it arrived without a hitch. Yea!! I didn't use any dry ice so I was nervous but it made it all still frozen solid. When the shipping lady asked me what I was shipping I told her breastmilk and she just gave me a smile. Then she asked the declared value and I paused and then said, priceless - because it honestly is. I would have died if it would have melted. All the work I put into pumping and saving that milk - it wasn't easy. Still pumping but maybe for only 2 more weeks and then these boobs are going to receive some healing time.

Update

I have to say it was nice to hear from B yesterday. He called and said that Grant is doing great. They are super busy with a new load of laundry every day (I remember those days). I am excited that I will be shipping my first batch of milk out tomorrow. This will be the first breastmilk that Grant has had period. He had teeny-tiny syringes full of colostrum at the hospital but that's it. Since they all left for home so soon after the birth, I wasn't able to give them anything else. I think I have decided that I am going to continue pumping for another week or two so I can give Grant some good stuff but since I am not a good milk producer, I don't want to kill myself trying to pump either. I will be happy with that. And I know they will be too. Fortunately, they are really awesome and I am so happy that everything has turned out the way it has.

2 Weeks tomorrow

I will be 2 weeks pp tomorrow. I definitely have been on an emotional rollercoaster lately but I can honestly say that day by day I am improving. For some reason, it's just been hard adjusting back to normal life. My kids have been quite difficult and on top of that my husband and I had an argument which is pretty rare - throw in my hormones on top of that and maybe you could say I've blown things out of proportion but what am I to do?
I am still pumping and I just want to say I don't know why. Guilt maybe? Despite every effort I have made to increase my supply - it hasn't worked. So when I hear about these superproducers, it makes me sad. I just don't understand. I still don't even have enough for a shipment yet but I am hoping soon.
I can't wait until I'm completely emotionally stable again. I think about doing another journey in the future but I think I will wait awhile and truly try to enjoy my time for a bit instead of always having to rush into the next thing. I have to say that I am a pretty intense person and can be a bit obsessive at times. Right now, I don't want to think about being pregnant (although it's hard) but it's what I really need to do right now. I would really like to focus on my kids and help them to thrive as much as possible.

Surprise

Today, as I was trying to take a nap (due to the lack of sleep from constant pumping), my doorbell rang. This is what I received when I opened the door.

This was from my wonderful agency (Growing Generations). That really made my day.

On a different note, last night I was on SMO and I found a post about feelings after giving birth and a very experienced surrogate posted an answer to her question that stated EXACTLY how I feel. This is what she said:

"For me days 3 to 21 postpartum were the hardest. It's a combo of sadness and a "what do I do now?" feeling. Pregnancy/surrogacy has consumed your life for a year and it's hard to remember what you thought of and how you spent you time before. For me, at about 3 months postpartum I really am back to "myself". Between the 3 weeks and 3 months there were good days and bad days but more good than bad.

I have found that both times I'm almost desperate to get another journey going in the first few months postpartum. I would fight against that if I was you. For me, its like I'm trying to start another to fill the hole of time from the previous being over."

I can't wait until I get to that point of being completely "myself" again.

On the pumping front, I started taking supplements today: Fenugreek and Marshmallow root. We'll see how it works. I've decided that I'm going to keep pumping like I am for one more week and if by then I am not producing ounces every time I pump then I will retire my (brand new) pump. I am crossing my fingers.

The Pumping Front

So this pumping thing is ever so slowly starting to drive me crazy. I am only 5 days pp and I am pumping 8-9x per day but only producing less than 1/2 oz. per pump. In the next couple of days I am going to do every trick I have read about to try and increase my supply. No I am not losing my mind and only slightly obsessed with this, I just want to know if I can truly make this work or not. I tried breastfeeding both of my children and could never do it solely without supplementing. If I can't make this work I don't even know if it would be worth it to try again in the future (be it my own or pumping for a surrobaby). I just hear and read all of these stories about women who produce mass amounts of milk and I can't believe it. I do long to be that way but I know I just have to accept my body and what it's capable of doing right?

Baby Grant is born!

So I have to say that baby Grant sure made quite an entrance! It all began on Friday, which was his due date. I went to the Dr. at 3pm (IF’s were with me) and after sitting there for over an hour waiting with anticipation, he finally came in and checked me. He said I was 4cm. I suggested to him that maybe we could induce on Saturday but he wasn’t too thrilled about inducing on Valentine’s Day so he suggested we come back at 7pm and be induced that evening. We all agreed, so I asked if he could just induce me by breaking my water instead of having Pitocin. He wasn’t thrilled because he said if I don’t go into labor that it increases the risk of infection but he decided to check me again and see if I was truly ready. This time apparently I was contracting and he said I was 5cm with a bulging bag – so he agreed. He stripped my membranes for the second time and I was off to get ready. Around 5:30 while I was at home, I started to have some contractions – nothing serious but I knew it was beginning.

We got to the hospital at 7pm and got all set up and the doc came in and broke my water at 7:58pm. He said he was going to leave but he wouldn’t be far at all and he was off. Well of course, things just went crazy from there. I knew I wanted to try not to have an epidural but wanted Fentanyl. At 8:10 I was 7cm and told them to give me the Fentanyl. My contractions were literally on top of each other at which point I was thinking I couldn’t do it. And then lo and behold there was intense pressure, I was fully dilated and told not to push (yeah right) and before they could do anything I was crowning and then he was out. I may have pushed twice. So he was born at 8:24pm. He was delivered by the on-call midwife. My Dr. got there in time to stitch me up. My IF was so much in shock that my husband had to tell him to get up and come see his son (other IF had left thinking he would be back in time – fortunately he didn’t want to be in the room anyway).

Anyway after his fast and furious entrance he looked great, his lungs were great, and he weighed 7 lbs. He is such a cutie! I think I was in a little shock too but was so thankful that the pain was over. I am so glad I didn’t ask for an epidural or it wouldn’t have taken effect until after he was born which would have really sucked. I was so happy to see how happy the new dads are with their baby. Grant looks so much like his daddy - it was perfect.

My IF’s made it home last night around 7pm. The flight sounds like it went pretty smooth. I know they are so happy to be home and begin their new lives as fathers. I am pumping for Grant now - I'm still not getting much but I am not going to get discouraged yet. I don't feel any sadness that I don't have a baby (I'm actually quite thankful). The only thing that makes me sad is to know that the journey is over. I think back on all of the memories I have throughout this whole journey and I can't believe that everything seems to have gone so fast even though it was over a year. I don't know if I will do another journey or not. My plans at this time are to have one more baby of my own and then only time will tell after that. We'll see if my IF's want a sibling for Grant and if so, will it work with my timing.

I just want to say, looking back, that I am very happy that I had the IF's that I did as we got along great and I can't say that I have any regrets. While going through the reduction was hard and wasn't ideal, I can't imagine what the outcome would have been, had I continued the pregnancy with more than one baby.

I can't wait to get back to myself - my body, my mind, my hormones. But I'm not in any rush - I still feel really good about everything and I hope it stays that way. I'm not going to stop posting yet as we'll see if things change and I'll keep updating on how pumping goes, etc. I will leave you with this for now.

I can't believe I'm still here!

So here I am at 39 weeks 4 days. Heading on the same path as with both of my kids - overdue. Of course I'm uncomfortable. I don't think I can any longer sleep in my bed. Last night was horrible. The pain in my pelvis and right leg are unbearable. Now I have a wonderful cold which hit me like a ton of bricks last night (let's just say I hardly slept a wink). Today my stomach has been pretty upset so I have not had the best day. At least I was able to manage. I seriously cannot imagine giving birth in my current state but I don't think it is up to me now. Anyday this little guy will be here whether I like it or not. I'm hoping that if he's not here by Fri. that we will be able to induce on Sat. because I'm done. One of my IF's is out here and so we are ready to rock and roll. I can't wait to be unpregnant!

Almost Done

This little man is almost done! I went in for an appt. on Friday and the Dr. checked me and said I was 3cm dilated. Well, I guess I kind of got excited and maybe got my hopes up that I might actually give birth soon. Well, here we are on Mon. and nothing has happened at all. I spoke with a friend this afternoon and she said with her third child she was dilated to 3cm for 2 months. Oh well - I suppose he will come when he is ready. Here are the pics (not the best, they don't do the items justice) of the things I made for the baby. I would like to do a blanket too but we'll see if I have the time and the patience.







Since we decided to go ahead and do the pumping thing, they bought me a brand new Medela Advanced breast pump - that is so cool. I still can't believe how great they are.

Well, I'm getting excited but I still hold out hope that he will make his way before the 13th because I am going on a field trip to the aquarium that day. Also, I really don't want to go past my due date. Come on baby...

Getting Closer

I am 37 weeks today. So the baby is full-term but I know he won't come early. IF's are going to fly out on the 12th (the day before my due date) so I'm sure he will wait until then. I have had no signs of impending labor whatsoever so I'm just hanging in there. Some days are better than others. I have been having the worst pelvic and leg pain on my right side. I sure hope that improves when the baby is born. My heartburn is out of control. I still have half a bottle left but by the time I give birth I'm sure it will be empty. I can say one thing is for sure - I will never gain this much wait if I have future pregnancies. I'm not sure if I said in a previous post that I have already gained 36 lbs. (as of last week). B said that he was going to look into prenatal massage as they want me to be as comfortable as possible in these last few weeks (did I ever mention my IF's are awesome - well if I didn't say it before, let me say it multiple times now). In that same conversation, I think it has been decided that I am going to attempt to pump - so that's cool. Hopefully it will help me to lose just a little bit of weight.

I'm excited and nervous at the same time as I don't know what the birth will be like. If I make it to the hospital on time, I still haven't decided if I'll have an epidural (although I'll probably want one no matter what, we'll see what happens).

It will be weird when people start asking me where the baby is after he's born. Just when you think you are done telling your story - it still goes on... Next appt. is in one week although I'm not expecting anything exciting. If I have the guts maybe I'll demand that he check me. We'll see...

Boring, boring

Not too much to update. I had my 36 week appt. on Friday and I didn't even get any news. The only thing I found out was that I am only measuring at 34 weeks. It sounds as though this isn't uncommon. My next appt. isn't until 38 weeks and my Dr. says he won't even check to see if I'm dilating unless I begin having contractions or I reach the due date and the baby isn't here - that sucks. I am very much looking forward to being done with this pregnancy (I think I always feel that way at 36 weeks). This is the time everything starts to get really hard. Sleeping sucks because of pelvic and leg pain. I feel so exhausted all the time. Very few clothes fit me anymore. I am uncomfortable no matter what I do. The baby is pressing on things inside my body that hurt. Nevertheless, I can't wait until this baby boy is born and I can hand him over to his daddies. And then I can go have a fat glass of wine. :)

Here's a pic at 36 weeks...

We're not inducing!!

I just got off the phone with B and he thought that it would be best if we just let the little man come when he is ready. I couldn't agree more! I must say that I had been stressing about it a bit but now that we really have a plan (even if it isn't really a plan at all) I feel much better about the birth. Now I will just be nervous about where and when it will happen. And I pray that it won't be too fast.
I must say though, that I am excited. I'm 34 weeks and while 6 weeks does seem like a long time, when I compare it to 9 months - it's really nothing. I can't believe this experience will be coming to an end very soon. Although it is something I will never forget. I can't wait to see the little man and of course his parents faces when they see him for the first time.
I'm still enjoying pilates a lot - it makes me feel so good. I've already gained 30 lbs. so I'm going to need some serious help after the birth. I'm hoping that doing the pilates every week will help me stick with something afterwards as well. I'll probably post another picture at around 35 weeks.